Lost in ourselves...

I'm not even sure how to start this blog posting. Once in a while a startling event comes into play that changes your outlook. That is exactly what happened today. It changed a lot of my point of view and has started me questioning.

Last night, I was out with some friends at a restaurant and it was Kid's night. As much as I like kids, it slightly annoyed me and kind of put me into a reflective state. The kids were bouncing all around and being crazy with the musician that was there specifically for them. If I had a partner and children it would have been great, but I don't.

So after we left I got into a mood that really set me into a selfish phase. The whole thing made me miss R a lot. While he was here we had a lot of good times. I felt the companionship that I do feel is lacking in my life. I though about how good R was with my friend Janice's son, Nick. I really got selfish and was feeling sorry for myself that I did not have that. It plagued me throughout the evening and into the night.

My mind was busy imagining how family life would be like. Spending time with other couples and with family. I could see what I once again want in my life. I thought about the joy that my having a family would bring to my parents. I also missed the companionship that R had brought into my life. I cried a bit. I felt alone. I felt lonely. I felt like my life will never get to that point and how unfair that is for me. I felt sorry for myself.

This morning I saw R online, I've been keeping a lot of my personal feelings involving him to myself, so that we can preserve our friendship. Almost immediately he told me that his partner's mother is not going to make it. I was shocked about the news. I knew she had surgery last Friday, but thought everything was fine. I immediately felt guilty for my feelings the night before. I tried my best to give R encouragement and support. I let him know that I am here if he needs me.

Afterward, I texted a few people to have them pray for the family. I really was feeling guilty for my thoughts of the night before, so I went and walked. During my walk I worked through a lot of my guilt and selfishness. I had to lay my feelings down for God to take, so that I could be there for my friend. I know that God wants R to be there at this time and I am to help support him through the hard times.

As I was just finishing my walk I got a text that she had passed. I reminded him that God is working in his life. Just keep trusting in God and he will see you through. I also sent him my blog posting on strength.

I know that times will be hard with them, but I pray that God will surround them, protect them and comfort them.

Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 91:11
For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.



Lord,

Please be with R, his partner and family. I know that death is one of the hardest things to deal with in life. Give them the strength they need to deal with the changes in their lives. Have your angels surround them and comfort them. Also Lord, I pray that you remove the selfishness from my heart and renew your strength within me so I can support my friend. Be with my family as we still go through hard times. Bless Mom and Dad in a special way today. We are all homesick to be home with you Lord. Please keep us all longing for that day.

I love You!

Brie!