God So Loved

I've been struggling over the last few weeks to figure a lot of things out in my head. Many of those things I have written about here before, but for the most part I have avoided blogging about my confusion over my relationship with C. C and I met at the end of last year and quickly became an item. I knew from the start that he had some issues with committing to a relationship, but things just happened and we seemed in my mind to pass that point.

Our relationship was never hard. We never fought. We never disagreed. We respect each other and grew together. Now, I know this sounds like a fairytale, but it is true. C and I just really understood each other.

Months later C's broke things off saying that he just wants to be friends. He felt like he needed to find himself before he can be in a relationship. He is unsure of what he wants.

Through many hours of talking I have figured out that he is apprehensive of getting into another relationship like the ones in his past. I have to say that I gave everything I could into the relationship. I made sure that I reflected the love that God gives me to C. Through our relationship, C has said that he has been blessed and has grown. God grew both of us through our relationship. We've talked before about my wanting to build a relationship around God, and he's said that he would be open to that. I've never found another man that was willing to do that. C has said many times that there is nothing more that I could have done, because he still is unsure.

Imagine the hurt that I have felt. So much for the sayings that love conquers all, and love will make a way. There are times where my heart aches because I care about him so much. The pain that I have felt is real, and yet I know that God has put me in his life for a specific purpose. That belief has made it very hard to cut ties and has made me make a firm decision. I've committed to being his friend.

C came with me to church for the first time last week. It was an incredible thing to see him there. He really seemed at ease, which was really nice to see. He was singing along. He really seemed to enjoy himself. I was so happy when I saw that he even came to the cross during prayer.

There has been no question in my mind that God has been working in C's life. Through many strange coincidences people from his past have been brought back into his life. I've also seen his happiness grow and his personal turmoil decrease. I'm not sure if he sees this or not, but I've tried to tell him how much he has grown.

I will continue to pray for C. I hope that God can keep working through me in his life. I don't know where God is taking him and I, but I know that God has higher goals than either of us can imagine.

My feeling of frustration about the relationship had me crying earlier today. I was being selfish with God. Asking when it is going to be my turn to meet a great someone, but God in his infinite wisdom turned it back on me asking me when I was going to give that same thing to Him. Imagine, here I am feeling sorry for myself, never thinking that God has done everything to secure my relationship with Him.

Like me, God made the relationship easy. All I have to do is accept it.

Like me, God's put everything into it. All I have to do is accept it.

Unlike me, God still waits for us.

Why do we fight things that are right there in our grasp? Why do we fight things that we know are going to turn out good? Why do we deceive ourselves, pretending to not know what we want? Why do we run from the stable relationship with God, yet accept alcohol, drugs, sex, money, greed and other unhealthy relationships into our lives without a thought?

What is so scary about stability? What is so scary about comfort? What is so scary about being taken care of? What is so scary about trusting?

Today C and I were talking about the hurt that I felt. One of the things that really hit home for me was when he said "If anything i will be the one to ultimately hurt when i realize what I let get away." Wow. Imagine being able to see that future for yourself and not being able to fully realize it. We're lucky that unlike man, God gives us many, many times to realize what he's given us. But the same statement holds true to our Christian walk. The longer we wait, the less chance we have of building a strong relationship. God gave it all. It's time for us to stop being selfish and give back.

John 3:16 NIV
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."




Lord,

I pray that you be with C in a special way. I pray that he is able to discover the life you have for him. Be with my friends and Family. I praise you for the work you are doing in our lives. I love you.

Brie!