I was asking one of my friend about my blog over the last few days and as we got talking he brought up that he feels I have a superior overtone to my writing. As we got to talking he made it sound like the tone gives a feeling of talking down to others. It's interesting that he felt that way because my blog is first meant as a place for me to grow.
With that information I contacted C to make sure that he did not feel I was talking down to him in my previous post. I was relieved to find out that he didn't.
I was not trying to say anything negative about C. C has been nothing but a wonderful friend and boyfriend to me. We ended up taking a step back because he needed to. He has to do what he needs to in his walk. For a long time I did not understand what he was feeling. From my blog entry on Sunday, I feel like I understand C just a little better. This brought me to a new quandary in my life.
What is the "superior overtone" that my friend brought up?
I have to admit that I feel like the worst Christian at times because I feel that I am constantly searching and working with God to make my relationship stronger. Many times I feel so far away from God that I hurt and cry. Other times I resist giving up my problems to Him because then I can't take credit when things turn out fine.
The Christian walk is not an easy one, because it is so simple. Get it?
I was talking with a friend who spent a lot of time learning about Wicca. She said there are so many rules, beliefs and rituals that she really never felt able to have her own beliefs. It confined her.
Many Christian "religions" seem to have the same restrictions and rules. Many of the rules of religion really come back to living a God-Centered life. The trick is to spend time with God.
2 Corinthians 3:18 KJV
"But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord."
So the more that we spend time with God, the more we behold his glory, the more we see him work in our lives, the more we are changed into His image. When we are changed into God's image, we will keep the "rules" because we want to live a good life and spend more time with Him.
Now I admit, maybe the "superiority" thing comes into play because I don't always share where I am in my walk, but tend to just share what I have realized. I have to say that I am still and will always be working on my communication with God. I am quite hard on myself, because I feel like I should be farther in my walk than I am. But I also realize that I will never get there until well after I meet God in the second Advent. Then many things will become clear, but I will still have many things to learn. Beliefs that I held dear to my heart may be completely wrong and I'll have to learn the truth. Ideas that I did not quite understand will be explained to me. Things that happened in my life will finally make sense when God is able to tell me the reason behind it.
Someone once told me that I seem to struggle a lot in my blog. I did not know what to say at that time. Now I know how to reply. My struggle makes me stronger. It makes my relationship stronger. I'd be scared if my Christian walk was easy.
The Christian walk is not an easy one, because it is so simple.
Just accept God's Gift.
Lord,
I praise you for giving me another day of life. It's hard to get away by yourself and not have interaction with others. Please bless all of my friends and family. We are going through some really hard times right now, but we know that you are in control. Thank you so much for helping me grow. Thanks for being an active part of my life.
I love you,
Brie!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
God So Loved
I've been struggling over the last few weeks to figure a lot of things out in my head. Many of those things I have written about here before, but for the most part I have avoided blogging about my confusion over my relationship with C. C and I met at the end of last year and quickly became an item. I knew from the start that he had some issues with committing to a relationship, but things just happened and we seemed in my mind to pass that point.
Our relationship was never hard. We never fought. We never disagreed. We respect each other and grew together. Now, I know this sounds like a fairytale, but it is true. C and I just really understood each other.
Months later C's broke things off saying that he just wants to be friends. He felt like he needed to find himself before he can be in a relationship. He is unsure of what he wants.
Through many hours of talking I have figured out that he is apprehensive of getting into another relationship like the ones in his past. I have to say that I gave everything I could into the relationship. I made sure that I reflected the love that God gives me to C. Through our relationship, C has said that he has been blessed and has grown. God grew both of us through our relationship. We've talked before about my wanting to build a relationship around God, and he's said that he would be open to that. I've never found another man that was willing to do that. C has said many times that there is nothing more that I could have done, because he still is unsure.
Imagine the hurt that I have felt. So much for the sayings that love conquers all, and love will make a way. There are times where my heart aches because I care about him so much. The pain that I have felt is real, and yet I know that God has put me in his life for a specific purpose. That belief has made it very hard to cut ties and has made me make a firm decision. I've committed to being his friend.
C came with me to church for the first time last week. It was an incredible thing to see him there. He really seemed at ease, which was really nice to see. He was singing along. He really seemed to enjoy himself. I was so happy when I saw that he even came to the cross during prayer.
There has been no question in my mind that God has been working in C's life. Through many strange coincidences people from his past have been brought back into his life. I've also seen his happiness grow and his personal turmoil decrease. I'm not sure if he sees this or not, but I've tried to tell him how much he has grown.
I will continue to pray for C. I hope that God can keep working through me in his life. I don't know where God is taking him and I, but I know that God has higher goals than either of us can imagine.
My feeling of frustration about the relationship had me crying earlier today. I was being selfish with God. Asking when it is going to be my turn to meet a great someone, but God in his infinite wisdom turned it back on me asking me when I was going to give that same thing to Him. Imagine, here I am feeling sorry for myself, never thinking that God has done everything to secure my relationship with Him.
Like me, God made the relationship easy. All I have to do is accept it.
Like me, God's put everything into it. All I have to do is accept it.
Unlike me, God still waits for us.
Why do we fight things that are right there in our grasp? Why do we fight things that we know are going to turn out good? Why do we deceive ourselves, pretending to not know what we want? Why do we run from the stable relationship with God, yet accept alcohol, drugs, sex, money, greed and other unhealthy relationships into our lives without a thought?
What is so scary about stability? What is so scary about comfort? What is so scary about being taken care of? What is so scary about trusting?
Today C and I were talking about the hurt that I felt. One of the things that really hit home for me was when he said "If anything i will be the one to ultimately hurt when i realize what I let get away." Wow. Imagine being able to see that future for yourself and not being able to fully realize it. We're lucky that unlike man, God gives us many, many times to realize what he's given us. But the same statement holds true to our Christian walk. The longer we wait, the less chance we have of building a strong relationship. God gave it all. It's time for us to stop being selfish and give back.
John 3:16 NIV
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
Lord,
I pray that you be with C in a special way. I pray that he is able to discover the life you have for him. Be with my friends and Family. I praise you for the work you are doing in our lives. I love you.
Brie!
Our relationship was never hard. We never fought. We never disagreed. We respect each other and grew together. Now, I know this sounds like a fairytale, but it is true. C and I just really understood each other.
Months later C's broke things off saying that he just wants to be friends. He felt like he needed to find himself before he can be in a relationship. He is unsure of what he wants.
Through many hours of talking I have figured out that he is apprehensive of getting into another relationship like the ones in his past. I have to say that I gave everything I could into the relationship. I made sure that I reflected the love that God gives me to C. Through our relationship, C has said that he has been blessed and has grown. God grew both of us through our relationship. We've talked before about my wanting to build a relationship around God, and he's said that he would be open to that. I've never found another man that was willing to do that. C has said many times that there is nothing more that I could have done, because he still is unsure.
Imagine the hurt that I have felt. So much for the sayings that love conquers all, and love will make a way. There are times where my heart aches because I care about him so much. The pain that I have felt is real, and yet I know that God has put me in his life for a specific purpose. That belief has made it very hard to cut ties and has made me make a firm decision. I've committed to being his friend.
C came with me to church for the first time last week. It was an incredible thing to see him there. He really seemed at ease, which was really nice to see. He was singing along. He really seemed to enjoy himself. I was so happy when I saw that he even came to the cross during prayer.
There has been no question in my mind that God has been working in C's life. Through many strange coincidences people from his past have been brought back into his life. I've also seen his happiness grow and his personal turmoil decrease. I'm not sure if he sees this or not, but I've tried to tell him how much he has grown.
I will continue to pray for C. I hope that God can keep working through me in his life. I don't know where God is taking him and I, but I know that God has higher goals than either of us can imagine.
My feeling of frustration about the relationship had me crying earlier today. I was being selfish with God. Asking when it is going to be my turn to meet a great someone, but God in his infinite wisdom turned it back on me asking me when I was going to give that same thing to Him. Imagine, here I am feeling sorry for myself, never thinking that God has done everything to secure my relationship with Him.
Like me, God made the relationship easy. All I have to do is accept it.
Like me, God's put everything into it. All I have to do is accept it.
Unlike me, God still waits for us.
Why do we fight things that are right there in our grasp? Why do we fight things that we know are going to turn out good? Why do we deceive ourselves, pretending to not know what we want? Why do we run from the stable relationship with God, yet accept alcohol, drugs, sex, money, greed and other unhealthy relationships into our lives without a thought?
What is so scary about stability? What is so scary about comfort? What is so scary about being taken care of? What is so scary about trusting?
Today C and I were talking about the hurt that I felt. One of the things that really hit home for me was when he said "If anything i will be the one to ultimately hurt when i realize what I let get away." Wow. Imagine being able to see that future for yourself and not being able to fully realize it. We're lucky that unlike man, God gives us many, many times to realize what he's given us. But the same statement holds true to our Christian walk. The longer we wait, the less chance we have of building a strong relationship. God gave it all. It's time for us to stop being selfish and give back.
John 3:16 NIV
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
Lord,
I pray that you be with C in a special way. I pray that he is able to discover the life you have for him. Be with my friends and Family. I praise you for the work you are doing in our lives. I love you.
Brie!
Monday, June 2, 2008
Trusting is so hard.
Trust is such a hard thing to learn. Giving things over to God seems like it should be an easy task. I remember back to church as a child singing about casting all our cares on God. We learn that God will take care of us in church, at home.
And yet as we grow up we are taught to be responsible and to fend for ourselves. We are taught how to survive and how to succeed.
Life teaches us to be self-sufficient.
Today, I found out that I did not get the job that I really wanted to get. It's funny how I know that it is God's will and that He has something else(probably better) for me to do. I still have a hard time just giving it up and trusting.
Why is it that some things are so easy to do and others so hard? Why is it that control is one of the hardest things for us to give up?
I was thinking today of how hard it must be for someone with a mental disability to take medication. The Human brain works differently then common sense. Many times we realize what we are suppose to do and yet our brains tell us otherwise. Giving in and taking a medication to be normal, kind of feels like the same type of idea as giving up control and allowing God to take over. The problem is that giving up control is not common sense, but a learned behavior. It goes against what we have been taught. It goes against the World. But it is a behavior I have to learn.
How can I make it easier for myself to give my control up? Is there some step I can take to make it easier?
A very wise friend of mine pointed out that maybe this is God's way of getting me to work on trusting, so I can live the life that He wants me to have.
Wow.... I mean WOW!
Luke 18:17 (Message)
Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in.
As a child, I did not have an issue giving control over to God. It was a non-issue. I was used to relying on my parents to take care of me. I have to accept God's kingdom with the simplicity of a child.
So I have to unlearn what I have learned. I have to develop a new habit. A habit that may look strange from the worlds point of view. I have to form a new learned behavior.
It's not easy. I guess there is no easy way out. I have to rely on God to help me stay true to my decision.
Lord,
Take my job search and make it what you want it to be. Send the job my way that you know I should have and show me the steps to take to get there. Thank you for sending wise people into my life to help me through the hard times. Be with my friends and family. I love you,
Brie!
And yet as we grow up we are taught to be responsible and to fend for ourselves. We are taught how to survive and how to succeed.
Life teaches us to be self-sufficient.
Today, I found out that I did not get the job that I really wanted to get. It's funny how I know that it is God's will and that He has something else(probably better) for me to do. I still have a hard time just giving it up and trusting.
Why is it that some things are so easy to do and others so hard? Why is it that control is one of the hardest things for us to give up?
I was thinking today of how hard it must be for someone with a mental disability to take medication. The Human brain works differently then common sense. Many times we realize what we are suppose to do and yet our brains tell us otherwise. Giving in and taking a medication to be normal, kind of feels like the same type of idea as giving up control and allowing God to take over. The problem is that giving up control is not common sense, but a learned behavior. It goes against what we have been taught. It goes against the World. But it is a behavior I have to learn.
How can I make it easier for myself to give my control up? Is there some step I can take to make it easier?
A very wise friend of mine pointed out that maybe this is God's way of getting me to work on trusting, so I can live the life that He wants me to have.
Wow.... I mean WOW!
Luke 18:17 (Message)
Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in.
As a child, I did not have an issue giving control over to God. It was a non-issue. I was used to relying on my parents to take care of me. I have to accept God's kingdom with the simplicity of a child.
So I have to unlearn what I have learned. I have to develop a new habit. A habit that may look strange from the worlds point of view. I have to form a new learned behavior.
It's not easy. I guess there is no easy way out. I have to rely on God to help me stay true to my decision.
Lord,
Take my job search and make it what you want it to be. Send the job my way that you know I should have and show me the steps to take to get there. Thank you for sending wise people into my life to help me through the hard times. Be with my friends and family. I love you,
Brie!
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Am I Trusting God?
The last month has been a growing experience for me. The upheaval of my life was very discouraging and troubling for me. I have to say that there were many times that I questioned God. Many times that I misunderstood what was going on with me.
My mother pointed out that in one of my previous posts that I stated that God took away my job. She wanted to ensure that I was not blaming God. I had never thought of it that way. It's amazing how people can see different things in the way we say things. I feel like I should have said that God allowed me to loose my job. God allowed a big wake up call to hit my life.
Today I was thinking about the whole situation. How have I grown through this experience? Have I learned to trust in God more? Have I leaned on him for support? Have I done it all on my own again?
Well in short it was God. I can take no credit for the changes in my life. I can only say that I went up the mountain and came back different. I did not change anything about myself, God did. He changed my focus. He changed my life.
Almost everything has worked out. I got my car back(Again). I've had some wonderful job interviews that have opened up new doors that could help me to grow in new ways. I've been able to take a step back and work on my friendship with C. I've gone back to church. I've been taking time to talk more with God. I've spent a lot of time with M that I would not have been able to before. I got to be in the hospital with my Mom when she had a procedure. I've even gotten to share my faith with three people that God brought into my life.
God has done wonders! Yet, I still find myself trying to take control. Can I solely trust in God? Can I trust in God to give me a job? Can I trust God to help me when M leaves? Can I trust God to guide my friendships and relationships? AM I TRUSTING GOD?
I realize that I have a lot to learn. God has done everything for me and yet I still want to be in control.
When I was driving to Baltimore, I heard about how many 25ish year olds were unable to make it in society today because they were protected from it by their parents giving them everything. They had really never had to fend for themselves. But since they did not have the experience of struggle they never really learned how to grow from it. Instead the just gave up and were moving back home.
How can we grow if never take chances? We can't. How can we grow if we don't learn to trust? We can't. How can we grow if we don't try? We can't. If we stay in the comfort of the nest we will never learn to fly. The bird that never leaves the nest, dies.
I seem to be able to take chances. I spend a lot of time trying, but I have a hard time trusting. I have to give it all up. I have to trust.
Matthew 6:25-34 NIV
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
My mother pointed out that in one of my previous posts that I stated that God took away my job. She wanted to ensure that I was not blaming God. I had never thought of it that way. It's amazing how people can see different things in the way we say things. I feel like I should have said that God allowed me to loose my job. God allowed a big wake up call to hit my life.
Today I was thinking about the whole situation. How have I grown through this experience? Have I learned to trust in God more? Have I leaned on him for support? Have I done it all on my own again?
Well in short it was God. I can take no credit for the changes in my life. I can only say that I went up the mountain and came back different. I did not change anything about myself, God did. He changed my focus. He changed my life.
Almost everything has worked out. I got my car back(Again). I've had some wonderful job interviews that have opened up new doors that could help me to grow in new ways. I've been able to take a step back and work on my friendship with C. I've gone back to church. I've been taking time to talk more with God. I've spent a lot of time with M that I would not have been able to before. I got to be in the hospital with my Mom when she had a procedure. I've even gotten to share my faith with three people that God brought into my life.
God has done wonders! Yet, I still find myself trying to take control. Can I solely trust in God? Can I trust in God to give me a job? Can I trust God to help me when M leaves? Can I trust God to guide my friendships and relationships? AM I TRUSTING GOD?
I realize that I have a lot to learn. God has done everything for me and yet I still want to be in control.
When I was driving to Baltimore, I heard about how many 25ish year olds were unable to make it in society today because they were protected from it by their parents giving them everything. They had really never had to fend for themselves. But since they did not have the experience of struggle they never really learned how to grow from it. Instead the just gave up and were moving back home.
How can we grow if never take chances? We can't. How can we grow if we don't learn to trust? We can't. How can we grow if we don't try? We can't. If we stay in the comfort of the nest we will never learn to fly. The bird that never leaves the nest, dies.
I seem to be able to take chances. I spend a lot of time trying, but I have a hard time trusting. I have to give it all up. I have to trust.
Matthew 6:25-34 NIV
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
God is going to take care of me. He's going to take care of my needs. He'll secure me that job. He'll help me with my friendships and relationships. He'll comfort me through my loneliness.
Lord,
Please help me to trust you more. It's hard to give it all up. To stop trying to do it on my own, but I realize that I can't do it. I need you to work things out the way you see is best. Be with my family and friends. I love you.
Brie!
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