Letting God Lead?

I'm sure that my title gives my mindset all away. That question mark really changes things the phrase from one of certainty to one of doubt, but that is the dilemma that I am currently facing.

How do I change that question mark to an exclamation mark? What power do I need? What do I need to give up exactly? Can I ever stop doing it?

My Dad and I had a long conversation about this last night. When he had found out he had prostate cancer, he gave it over to God and claimed God's promises that he would be healed. Dad then went and changed his diet to a vegan, even took it a step further and kept his body on the alkaline side, because he learned that cancer can not grow in an alkaline environment. He began taking supplements, drinking carrot and celery juice. Anything to boost his immune system to fight the cancer.

Impressive eh?

Dad did all of that . . . . but Dad ended up in the hospital. Now, he has a tumor above his prostate. Cancer again, this time a new one that is one of the most aggressive cancers known. Extrapulmonary Small Cell Cancer. Dad was immediately set up for Chemotherapy and more tests to see if it has moved past his rectum.

How? What happened with all Dad has done? He's Vegan! He's been alkaline for a year! He has one of the closest relationships with God of anyone I know. How? How? How?

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8, 9

Dad shared that he realized in the hospital that he gave it over to God, but then did not let God lead. Dad began doing everything. He did not let God take the lead, instead Dad took over and did what he thought would heal himself. . . . neither are your ways my ways.

How many times do we say that we are giving it over to God, only to do what we want anyway? Do we ever really give over complete control?

I'm going through a dilemma of my own. I quit my job in the summer to get my teaching credentials back so that I could go and teach in the classroom again. It seemed like it was what I was being called to do. The plans just seemed to point in this direction and so I took the leap of faith. Yet months later, I am still without a job. I never thought I would be going into October and not have a teaching job.

God seems to have other plans for me. Though he has been very slow in letting me in on the big secret. I've been having a real hard time letting God lead. I've become very discouraged. Every interview I go on the people seem impressed by my credentials and yet nothing.

My safety net is gone. I'm not sure how I'm going to pay the bills next month. I'm really unsure of what my next step could be. Dad reminds me to "Trust in the Lord."

This has been hard! One of the hardest set of struggles I've even been through in my life. I have more questions than answers. I realize how weak my faith is and how strong my doubt.

Lord,

As I sit here tonight my head is filled with questions. Take away my burdens. Ease my pain. Break my shackles, so I can lift my hands for You to pick me up. Forgive me for coming up short. I have a long way to go, Lord. I'm weak and frail. Strengthen my faith. Guide my thoughts. Make your way mine. I give it all to You. Change my question mark to an exclamation mark, for only You can.

Brie!

At the hospital...

As a child, I always thought of my Dad as invincible. Dad could do anything! He taught my brother and I how to backpack, ski, whitewater canoe, and camp. You name it and my Dad always was able to do it. He learned how to scuba dive in his late fifties.

His faith has become invincible as well. I have personally seen my Dad grow into a stronger Christian through his life. Dad is looked up to by members of his church. You can just tell by talking to him that he has a personal relationship with God.

The last month, Dad has had issues with constant diarrhea and constipation. Dad finally was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday to begin a series of tests. Dad is never sick. In fact, I can never remember him being in the hospital for my entire life. Three days and much crying later, we have found out that Dad has a tumor, right above his prostate, that is restricting his bowels.

Now for those of you who don't know, Dad already has terminal Prostate Cancer. There is a high likelihood that this tumor is Rectal cancer.

How can this happen? How can a man that is never sick end up with a tumor and cancer? Why do these things happen to such a good man? What are we going to do?

There are so many questions, and yet no answers.

Psalm 68:19
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.

Lord,

Take this burden from us. We know that you are in control. Dad is going into surgery right now. Be with the hands of the surgeon. I praise you for getting us through this far.

Brie!