Babbling with Brie!

Bringing it all together...

2009-03-04T23:19:00.005-05:00

I've got a lot of things running through my head today. I figured it is time to write them out so that hopefully God can help to order them into some type of normality.

It's been a hard couple of months since I last wrote on here. I am still surviving. :-) God has been good to me, ordering the steps of my life and placing me in one of the best positions I have been in for a long time.

God has reaffirmed and adjusted the friendships in my life and has helped me to see the people that I can really depend on to see me through. God has also given me a clearer view of the purpose he sees for my life.

It's interesting when God reveals his purpose for your life to you. That purpose most of the time does not fit the idea that you had for yourself. The really nice part is that the purpose I see, God has already given me the tools and attributes to be successful. He already knew.

What an amazing God we serve that he can give us what we need before we even need it. I was talking to my cousin Shelly a couple weekends ago about this very thing. God gave us a strong family base to help us to get through the trials that our entire family is going through right now. He knew the relationships that we would need to help each other through.

God continues to amaze me by being there for me in the times where I feel I am the farthest away from Him. In those times where I have pushed Him away and have begun to feel like I can make it through by myself, he taps me on my shoulder reminding me that I first need to rely on him. He is my strength. He knows my loneliness and fears. He knows when I need comfort. He knows me.

I'm realizing more and more that I cannot expect for friends and family to be there through each and every trial that I go through. I can only expect God to be there. The nice thing is that I know I will be supported by those friends and family anyway. But God is my expectation.... God will not fail me... He will be there always.

In the middle of the storm...He's there.
In the middle of the night...He's there.
In the middle of my chaos...He's there.
In the middle of my hurt...He's there.

He is there. He knows me better than I know myself.

What a glorious God we serve.

Jeremiah 1:5 NIV
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

Lord,

Be with my Father, my family and my friends. We all need your loving arms wrapped around us through these hard times. Pour our you comfort especially on Mom right now. She needs to feel your presence, Lord. We need your assurance that everything is working our according to your plan. Please be with my prayer list.

Brie!

Worry

2008-10-12T09:38:00.006-04:00

Yesterday, I was able to spend some time with my family. It was my cousins 40th birthday and it was so nice to show up and see her get emotional. I really have come to appreciate my family through these hard times.

I got to have a couple nice long talks with my Aunt Peach and I have to say that the more we talk the more I am at peace with the chaos that is in our lives right now.

Dad had a very hard day yesterday, and after the long drive to Hagerstown, they ended up going back home after a couple hours. I worry about how much this round of Chemo is taking out of him. It seems that a good quality of life is non-existent at this point. He seems to be getting worse off by the week.

I know Mom is getting drained as well. I miss the times that we were able to just get away at the shore and enjoy time. I have to keep focused on the good times and being there for my parents in any way imaginable.

One good thing I saw yesterday, was when my Aunt Peach and I were talking in the kitchen, My brother came in and ended up in the conversation too. I got to see him get a little emotional for an change. It was good to see since he has been more focused on being the strong one in the family. We talked about knowing that God has a plan and reason for what we are going through right now. My Brother brought up that if just one person comes to God because of this it would be worth it. I really felt the Holy Spirit working on my brother.

I know that God works in His own way. His plans are way beyond our comprehension. We just have to keep trusting in that plan.

Lord,

I want to thank you for bringing my family together yesterday. It was hard to see Dad struggle. Please continue to be with him and strengthen him. If it is your will Lord, I ask that you heal him. Be with my family in a special way today. Continue to give us your strength through these hard times. We need you to shine through each of us. I thank you for giving us each new day.

I love You,

Brie!

Adjustment time...

2008-09-25T13:06:00.003-04:00

When God works in your life, you have to be prepared for life to change quickly and drastically. Most of the time things change and it takes some time to get used to the changes. I think that is the period that I am going through now.

There are going to be aspects of my life that are going to change in the next few weeks. It's going to take time for me to adjust to these changes. I have not worked a 9 to 5 job for over a year. I'm nervous, I'm excited, I'm scared.

This is a time where I'll have to rely on God to keep guiding and helping me through each day. He knows the challenges that I will go through. He knows the support that I'm going to need along the way.

I'm glad that God knows my needs before they come up. I am glad that God has given me friends to help me get through each day. I am glad that God has given me a supportive family.

The one thing that I need to do is continue to rely on God through the good times. When I became employed before and things became comfortable, I began to rely on myself. I have to keep my focus on God. He will work things out for me. I need to remind myself each day that God is taking care of my needs and burdens. He has them under his control. He does not need me to do anything but trust in Him.

When I take things back into my hands and start trusting in myself, it means that I am not trusting solely in God. When we do not trust in God, He does not always allow us to have all of the blessings that He could give us.

Numbers 20:6-12 NIV

Moses and Aaron went from the assembly to the entrance to the Tent of Meeting and fell facedown, and the glory of the LORD appeared to them. The LORD said to Moses, "Take the staff, and you and your brother Aaron gather the assembly together. Speak to that rock before their eyes and it will pour out its water. You will bring water out of the rock for the community so they and their livestock can drink."

So Moses took the staff from the LORD's presence, just as he commanded him. He and Aaron gathered the assembly together in front of the rock and Moses said to them, "Listen, you rebels, must we bring you water out of this rock?" Then Moses raised his arm and struck the rock twice with his staff. Water gushed out, and the community and their livestock drank.

But the LORD said to Moses and Aaron, "Because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them."

When Moses struck the rock, he was not trusting in God. Even though God still gave the Israelites a blessing, He did not allow Moses to complete the journey. God had a better idea in store for Moses, but because Moses did not trust, that life changed. It was cut short. Moses never was able to see the end result of his work.

How many times do we stop trusting and expect God to still come through with blessings? Do we expect the best from life even through we are not following and trusting in God? In order for us to live within God's plan, we have to trust in Him 24/7.

Lord,

Please give me the strength and conviction to keep focused on my relationship with You. I know that You have a wonderful plan for me that is much better than I could even imagine. Please be with my prayer requests, especially my Parents and R. I praise you for giving us some good days with Dad. It is so good to see him doing better.

I love You!

Brie!

I GOT A JOB!

2008-09-22T15:24:00.002-04:00

How quickly a day can change. I've never cried so much in my life. God really came through with the GWU job! I still can not believe that it is true! I don't start until October 5th, but I'm so excited I'm sure I won't mind waiting.

Just when things seem to hit rock bottom, God gives an awesome blessing that only He could give! What an awesome God we serve!!!

God is GOOD!!!

Brie!

Just Another Manic Monday?

2008-09-22T14:07:00.002-04:00

Once again Monday has brought my life to a strange place. Actually it started last night talking with Mom and finding out that Dad's nausea and vomiting has returned. It happened through Saturday and Sunday nights.

The Oncologist still does not know what to do except telling him to take the medication and keeping him on this current round of chemo. I know that everytime Dad gets sick it makes Mom sick too. We worry about what is really going on behind it all, but no one really seems to know.

Just a little while ago, I had a conversation with R that though it started ok, it turned into a explanation from him that our friendship is creating tension in his relationship. He told me that he was taking me off his IM list. Left things open for me to contact him, but he was not going to initiate any conversation. I have tried my best to not overstep my bounds. He said that he felt I did, but that he realized that it was not intentional on my part. I honestly feel that him cutting off communication was more for him then for anything. I guess God has decided to have us close this door at this time. R told me that he is putting more of himself into the relationship. He also told me that they are having a ceremony in the spring. Sounds kind of fast to me, but I guess they want to tie it all up soon. I wish them the best and I really hope that they are letting God lead in their lives.

I'm glad that this has brought some closure to me. I feel like I will still have a hard time, but I will get through with God. God is telling me that it is not meant to be at this time and I am following His lead. I am claiming that he has something better for me out there.

I'm waiting for a response about the job from GWU. I've come to terms with the possibility that God may not want me to be there. I've also come to the realization that if not I'm going forward with plans to move back to my parents house. It will be a big adjustment, but I feel it may be where God needs me to be.

I ask that anyone who reads my blog to pray hard for the Lords leading in my life. I don't want to take any step without his guidance.

I think I've used this one before, but it applies to what I feel God is asking me to do at this time:

Psalm 40:1

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

Lord,

I am waiting... It seems like everything is coming more and more to a head every day. I still can not handle it by myself so I am asking that You take all of these burdens and help me to heal and get through each day. Be with my prayer requests and especially R, Mom and Dad.

I love You!

Brie!

Up and down!

2008-09-21T22:24:00.002-04:00

Why is it whenever I feel like I make a few steps forward, I take even more backwards? I give my problems over to the Lord, only to take them back. It seems like I do this over and over again.

I've had some weird emotions come up the last few days that I really feel are the Devil trying to keep me down. I've been even been getting upset at the stupidest things and blowing things out of proportion in my own mind.

When I take something on in my head, it seems to run through it until there is a solution. The problem is that the things in my life that are not going right, are things that can not be figured out. Hence, I hit a wall of frustration. Then add on top of it, if I mistake a statement or situation then I can totally over think things until I become a mess.

Tonight, God reminded me that I have to give things over to Him. I still believe that letting God totally lead is a hard thing to do, but I realize that I can't do it. I can't take on the issues that are in my life right now. They are all things that can't be figured out.

It once again reminds me of having the faith of a child. I remember times where as a child I never questioned that things were going to be alright, because I knew that Mom and Dad had them under control. Do I have less faith in God? Can I trust Him to work things out? Has he ever let me down before?

I know the answers to these questions and yet I still have to remember to give my burdens over to the Lord. He knows how things will work out. I have no clue.

I think the real issue with us giving things over to God is that we want our will to be done.

"If I can meddle in this a little bit I can turn things my way!"
"If I can just add a little guilt it will help them change their mind!"
"If I pray harder God will have to heal him!"
"If I call in a couple favors or talk up my experience I'll get that job!"

Like God needs my help to do anything! I have to remember that my desires are not always God's desires. God is never going to force me to his way. He might heavily persuade me, but he will not force me. I believe that when I don't do God's will that it changes the "better" outcome that God wanted for us.

I believe that God wanted Jonah to work to save the people of Nineveh. When Jonah finally went he was halfhearted about it and later sat and waited for God to destroy the city. But the people of Nineveh repented and turned from their evil ways. Imagine how different it would have been if Jonah had truly followed God's path. He would have joined in rejoicing with the people there instead of being upset that God did not destroy the city.

Jonah 3:10-4:1

When God saw what they did and how they turned from their evil ways, he had compassion and did not bring upon them the destruction he had threatened. But Jonah was greatly displeased and became angry.

How many times do we become angry when things do not go our way. We have to remember that God is in control. He works things out for His glory. I believe that I have to lay down these burdens everyday to keep from becoming angry about them in the future. I know that God has my back! He's is looking out for my best interest. I believe that God has a blessing out there for me!

Lord,

As I sit and recommit my burdens over to you, I pray that you take them one by one and do your will with them. Give me the trust in You that I had as a child! Guide me in what I need to do. I praise you for giving me glimpses of how you have worked in my life in the past, this gives me more confidence in the future. I know that you will not let me down. Be with my prayer requests, Lord. Please help me keep my chin up, looking toward you. Keep a praise on my lips and renew your love and strength in my heart.

I love You,

Brie!

Focusing on the blessings!

2008-09-18T12:50:00.003-04:00

The last day has really been testing my strength. Through it all I have friends and family worried about me. Seems like everything just came to a head and reality struck once again.

Last night, I stopped by my friend N's house to pick up some stuff that I had left at a pool party a couple weeks ago. We got talking and a short stop turned into three hours. N is an old friend from my college days that we had kind of fallen out of touch. Though we see each other frequently, we have not really been able to catch up. It was so good to catch up with her. We got into some real deep discussions sharing a lot of what is going on in each others life.

The one thing I know about myself is that I process things best when I can talk them out. It really helped me to get my thoughts and things back out in the air so I could see what was what. I was pointing out how I felt like I had no direction, but N brought me back to my conversation with God last week, reminding me that God already gave me the direction, my focus needs to be on my parents. I though a lot about this last night and I feel she is right.

Why is it that when we think of ourselves we tend to get down? What is it that makes us want so much? Why do we focus on the negative?

I thought about another person in my life. He is always worrying, discouraged and complaining. Though I care about him, I can only take him in small doses. You hardly ever hear his positives.

I guess our brains are the same way. The more we focus in on what is going wrong in life the more life brings us down. God knows this and that is why He tells us to focus on the positive:

Philipians 4:8 NIV

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things

I'm trying to focus on the positive. Things like Dad is having a really good week. Each day is showing an improvement from the prior. PRAISE GOD! R is able to be there for his partner and his family. PRAISE GOD! I really feel I have a chance at the GWU job. PRAISE GOD! I have friends like S, N, R, M and G! PRAISE GOD! I have an incredible and supportive family. PRAISE GOD! My bills are still paid after 5 months of being unemployed. PRAISE GOD!

In all God has been very good to me.

Lord,

Help me to stay focused on the positives of life. As my list of praises gets longer, I want you to help bring them to mind each and every day. Please be with my Parents and Family, R and all, my job search, and all the other things that you know I'm forgetting. Most of all I thank you for being there for me through this hard time. Guiding my every step. I know my life is going to be better because you are blazing my path!

I love You,

Brie!

Lost in ourselves...

2008-09-17T11:27:00.002-04:00

I'm not even sure how to start this blog posting. Once in a while a startling event comes into play that changes your outlook. That is exactly what happened today. It changed a lot of my point of view and has started me questioning.

Last night, I was out with some friends at a restaurant and it was Kid's night. As much as I like kids, it slightly annoyed me and kind of put me into a reflective state. The kids were bouncing all around and being crazy with the musician that was there specifically for them. If I had a partner and children it would have been great, but I don't.

So after we left I got into a mood that really set me into a selfish phase. The whole thing made me miss R a lot. While he was here we had a lot of good times. I felt the companionship that I do feel is lacking in my life. I though about how good R was with my friend Janice's son, Nick. I really got selfish and was feeling sorry for myself that I did not have that. It plagued me throughout the evening and into the night.

My mind was busy imagining how family life would be like. Spending time with other couples and with family. I could see what I once again want in my life. I thought about the joy that my having a family would bring to my parents. I also missed the companionship that R had brought into my life. I cried a bit. I felt alone. I felt lonely. I felt like my life will never get to that point and how unfair that is for me. I felt sorry for myself.

This morning I saw R online, I've been keeping a lot of my personal feelings involving him to myself, so that we can preserve our friendship. Almost immediately he told me that his partner's mother is not going to make it. I was shocked about the news. I knew she had surgery last Friday, but thought everything was fine. I immediately felt guilty for my feelings the night before. I tried my best to give R encouragement and support. I let him know that I am here if he needs me.

Afterward, I texted a few people to have them pray for the family. I really was feeling guilty for my thoughts of the night before, so I went and walked. During my walk I worked through a lot of my guilt and selfishness. I had to lay my feelings down for God to take, so that I could be there for my friend. I know that God wants R to be there at this time and I am to help support him through the hard times.

As I was just finishing my walk I got a text that she had passed. I reminded him that God is working in his life. Just keep trusting in God and he will see you through. I also sent him my blog posting on strength.

I know that times will be hard with them, but I pray that God will surround them, protect them and comfort them.

Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 91:11
For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

Lord,

Please be with R, his partner and family. I know that death is one of the hardest things to deal with in life. Give them the strength they need to deal with the changes in their lives. Have your angels surround them and comfort them. Also Lord, I pray that you remove the selfishness from my heart and renew your strength within me so I can support my friend. Be with my family as we still go through hard times. Bless Mom and Dad in a special way today. We are all homesick to be home with you Lord. Please keep us all longing for that day.

I love You!

Brie!

What a difference a week makes!

2008-09-15T20:06:00.002-04:00

Well once again I am feeling like I am on the upswing of the down that I experienced last week. I have had a week of uncertainty in so many areas of my life that I had to just cling onto God's promise to watch over and protect me.

Reflecting over the past week I can see the strength that God has built into me. Strength that I have no power over. Strength that I can not make stronger, because it is given from God. A week ago I was crying and could not fall asleep. Tonight, I am riding high on God's promises to take care of me.

What changed?

Early in the day today, God gave me my first bit of good news. At the appointment with the Oncologist this morning my parents found out that Dad does not show any signs of having the cancer in his Brain. Now he does still have cancer through many area of his body and the Doctor keeps reminding us that it is not curable. I know that if it had been in his brain, Dad would have been on a much shorter road. Thank you, Lord for looking out for him all the time. I praise you for ever extra minute that you allow my father to be still in our lives.

A little later, I was talking with R online. We were having a good supportive chat praising God for giving us good news with Dad. The piece of the conversation that really hit home is that R said "I miss our chats and miss you too." I was very happy to see this because I have been trying so hard to not down his relationship and be supportive, and yet it kept feeling he was somewhat cold and distant. I was even more amazed when he later said that he even told his partner that he missed me. I think this is the beginning of some real healing in our friendship and hopefully his relationship. I know it is hard for his partner to accept him having a close friend like me that is not sure that their relationship is healthy, but I have decided to trust R's view of it an support him in his decision. Thank you, Lord for giving me a glimpse of a friendship that I cherish. I praise you for helping keep R in my life.

Then when I was chatting with S about the job at GWU, she said that the contact for the job stopped by her office today just to clarify some information from Friday. She informed her that I was one of two candidates left for the Accounting Analyst position. I had been a bit discouraged because S had told me Friday that she had said there were some very qualified applicants. Lord, I am yielding to your will on the job front. If it is your will for me to have this position help me to say the words that you would want for them to hear. I praise you, Lord for taking me step by step through this process, building my faith along the way.

So each of the hard times of last week are looking up. God is GOOD!! He is caring and looks out for us every day. All we have to do is let go.

Here is a song that I heard on the radio last week that is quickly becoming the theme song of my life right now, because I am learning that God will work it all out for me if I just let go!

Lord,

I praise you for all of the changes that I have been through in the last week. I know that all of them had your hand in them and I can see you guiding my life. Though I sometimes question the decisions, I know that it will all work out. I ask that you be with me as I step through the trials of this week. Guide my each and every step, and remind me to let go. Be with Mom and Dad in a special way tonight. Comfort them and continue to show your love and support.

I love you,

Brie!

Where does my strength come from?

2008-09-12T13:33:00.002-04:00

I've been doing a lot of reading the last few days and am starting to come to some conclusions of where I have been going wrong in life. Last night when I was walking in the dark once again, I found myself pleading to God. My brain has been working overtime trying to think things through. I have been depressed about how things were going. I have been feeling like I'm at the end of my rope.

Earlier in the day, I had sent messages to the people who are have been supporting me through my trials lately. I received words of encouragement from all but one, R. I have to say that this bothered me quite a bit because our friendship has been built on our relationships with God.

As the day went on I became more down. I was feeling very lonely and isolated. When I began my walk I was crying a lot. As I talked with God he slowly made me understand a few things about where my life is going right now.

He pointed out that a lot of my energy over the last few weeks has gone into helping R. I did not feel that God was saying that this was time wasted, but that it was energy that now needed to be redirected into my parents. Energy that God was giving me to help them through day by day.

God also reminded me of how He has it all under control. He showed me how I was growing and reminded me of times he had helped me in the past. He reminded me that even though I am not working He is taking care of my needs. He reminded me that my family is strong and that I need to be there for him.

But most of all he reminded me not to go to others first when I have a problem, go to Him. I feel like we all have a issue with this in life. We talk to everyone else asking what we should do before we even think of talking to God.

So I'm taking more time to talk with God about my trials. I am currently reading "Traveling Light" by Max Lucado, and the chapters I read last night dealt with the burdens of fear and loneliness. Both are things that I am dealing with right now. I am reminded of the 23rd Psalm. Verse 4 says, "I will fear no evil. You are with me" (NKJV).

I need to get my strength and comfort from God. He is the only one who can be consistent with being a support for me. In life, even our best supports let us down at times, but God is always there for us.

Jesus turned first to him in the Garden of Gethsemane.

Luke 22:39-46
Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him. On reaching the place, he said to them, "Pray that you will not fall into temptation." He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow. "Why are you sleeping?" he asked them. "Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation."

Even his disciples let him down, but God didn't. An angel from heaven appeared and strengthened him.

Last night, prayed for God to take the burdens from me, but also that his will be done. Not long afterward, I felt my mood changing. My phone started playing more upbeat praise music. God strengthened me. Changed my outlook. Gave me another glimpse of the path.

Even through God has begun changing my attitude and outlook, I occasionally still feel down. But I believe He will strengthen me more over the days to come.

Lord,

I praise You for carrying me through this valley of sorrow. I know I am just beginning to leave it and that I still need to rely on You to get me through. I praise You for carrying me each step. I pray that You are with my Parents. We are going through some really rough times, but we know You are in control. Help us to keep that faith in You, Lord. Help me to be a strength to them through this.

I will praise You in this storm,

Brie!

Glimpses of a path...

2008-09-11T11:04:00.003-04:00

I have to admit that I got even more down after my last post, because a job that I thought I was going to be offered, fell through. I'm still in shock that with the amount of direct experience that I have in the tutoring field that they did not offer it to me. This seems to be definitely not the job that God wants me to have at this time.

It's funny how God lets people know when things are bad. My cousin Shelly always seems to know when I am at my lowest. She has been checking in with me every day for the week. Sometimes several times a day. On top of that my friend S IM'd and said that she was just impressed that she needed to talk to me. She asked me several times if I wanted her to come down after work, and finally I gave in. It would be a couple hours before she would get there though.

So I decided to commune with God over it while I began to walk. I must have walked my development for a good hour in the rain. I cried quite a bit. God gave me strength by sending powerful songs through my phone. It was so good to be lifted bit by bit through it all.

When I got back I showered and changed just in time for S to come. We went down to Friday's for a little bit and just had some spinach dip and chips. It was good to see her since it had been almost a month since the last time. We chatted about how things were going, her new job, the married life. It helped and hurt at the same time. I was trying hard not to be jealous. We talked a bit about R leaving and I explained more of the situation to her.

When we got back to my place, I got a call from GWU asking me for an interview. I was a bit relieved, but at the same time I was still so down that I was not even excited about the opportunity. I guess I've gotten into a spot of being so low that I really am weary of getting excited about anything.

A little later I had my first conversation with R since he left. He is safe and secure in VA. Through the conversation he asked me to accept their relationship and not to say bad things about it or his ex. I agreed. Then he went on and on over the same things, like he felt he needed to hound me into it. I told him over and over that I will do my best. I wonder if that hounding was more for him then me. Like he was trying to convince himself. I realized late in the conversation that his ex was there with him as he typed.

Wednesday morning I called Unemployment because I got a letter that said that I needed to reapply. I did not get this since it has only been 5 months since I was laid off. When I called I asked the lady about it and she said that since I had applied last summer they had just reopened my previous claim. That means that as of sept 7, we opened a claim for a new calendar year. Giving me another 26 weeks of unemployment. I have to say that it was confusing, but God is good! I could feel it was a sign that he was looking out for me.

A little later I was IM'd again by R. He began hounding me again about accepting their relationship. I told him I would a couple times before I finally asked him to stop because if he kept on doing it then we would not even be left with a friendship. He agreed and apologized. We had some simple surface level conversations from there and that was it. Luckily we had an hour long conversation yesterday online where we finally were able to get back into some normal conversation. I thank you Lord, for allowing me to see glimpses of my friend once again.

My interview went really well. I felt once again that God interviewed for me in this situation. It really all went like a breeze. I had interviewed with the one lady before and the other was the person in that was last in the position that had been promoted. So I felt very good about it all.

Dad has been up and down all week, going from having dry heaves, to sleeping all day, to going to work. Mom called this morning letting me know that Dad had I guess hit a curb while leaving the oncologists office. I pray for protection for Dad on his way home today. The Oncologists office wants Dad to have a MRI of his brain today. This gets scary because if the cancer is in his brain chemo will not help. Things are definitely changing in my life, but I keep having to remember that God is in control.

I may never know the reasons behind why I have not been employed before now, or why R decided to leave, or why Dad is going through so much. But I need to try to stop worrying about each of these situations and leave them in God's hands.

I have to stand firm on God's rock. I have to believe that through every storm, trial and tribulation that God is protecting me.

I heard this song yesterday on the radio that got to me a little. It reminds me that through everything that seems to be going wrong, God has build a strong foundation for me, though I make mistakes, stumble and fall. I will not be moved!

Lord,

Things are still in chaos in my life. I praise you for sending me your encouragement through people and songs. I pray that you take my job search once again. You know what you want me to do, and I am going to let you work. I pray that you are with R and his situation. I am praying for your will in his life, I know you have it under control, but I ask you to give him strength and comfort when he needs it. I am also praying that if it is your will that you heal my Father. I pray for strength for Mom, Scott and I as we deal with the day to day. I praise you Lord, for giving me such a strong family that really knows how to support each other through these hard times.

I love you,

Brie!

Healing!

2008-09-09T11:20:00.005-04:00

I'm in a strange spot once again, I feel that my life is in constant chaos and not sure when or if it will ever settle down. Yesterday, I found out a lot of news that really made my head spin.

My day started with finding out that my Dad's cancer has spread. It's moved into his spine, liver and abdomen. We don't know if it has gone further into his brain since they did not perform a scan of that area. The Oncologist really has not given us any hope. He's said many times that this is not curable.

Later the same day, R decided to go back to his ex. He felt that there was unfinished business there that he needed to work out. I can't say that I totally understand what he is going through, but I do agree that he needs to have closure. I really feel that the situation he is in is not going to work for him. I also know I could talk to him until I am blue in the face and nothing will change until he realizes it.

Through it all, God put a song in my mind. "I need thee every hour."

So once again, I am praying for healing!

Isaiah 57:18 "I have seen his ways, and will heal him: I will lead him also, and restore comforts unto him and to his mourners."

I'm praying for healing for my father. I know that there are a lot of things that are stacked against Dad right now, but God is an awesome God that can do anything.

I'm praying for healing for R, so that he can get through his current situation and start to deal with his own fears and insecurities.

I'm praying for healing for my family and I. Our hearts are breaking and torn from all we are going through.

Lord,

I praise you for all of the good in my life. Sometimes it gets hard to see the good through all the turmoil, but I know that you have given me an amazing family that pulls together through hard times. Help us to get through each day stronger through you. I also know you have given me a great support through R. Please help him to work through his current situation and continue to follow your guidance. Help him to give his fears over to you so you can fully work in his life. Lastly Lord, I pray that you help me to keep close to you every day. I need you, Lord.

Brie!

Strength

2008-08-27T23:28:00.004-04:00

Everyday people go through things that require us to be strong, but when times get down we seem to look to each other for strength. As humans we give strength and support to each other. A friend of mine is going through a hard time gathering strength dealing with things in his relationship. My mother is needing strength to deal with the ups and downs of my fathers cancer. I feel I need strength to keep trusting God to give me the job that he wants for me.

We all need strength. Here are a few texts that involve getting strength from God. He is the source of strength. We get the strength we give to others from Him.

Psalm 68:35
You are awesome, O God, in your sanctuary; the God of Israel gives power and strength to his people.
Praise be to God!

Isaiah 40:29
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

And my favorite:

Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

I love looking at the verbs in each of the texts. The first two use the verb GIVE. When you are given something you really don't have a choice. It's that way with God. He gives us strength before we need it. Many times we just fail to see that it is already there.

The next verb is RENEW. Our strength can get low, but God renews it within us. Renew says that it is full again, or like new. So in our darkest times God can make our strength like new.

The last verb is IS. I love when texts just say what God is. God IS our refuge and strength. He IS it. Not feeble us, or our close friends. God IS. We're not relying on us and our strength. We're relying on His.

Lord,

Help us to have the strength to stand for what is right. Help us have the strength to care for each other. But most of all Lord, help us to accept the strength that you are for us. Help us to let you be our strength.

I love you,

Brie!

It could be worse!

2008-08-05T15:29:00.002-04:00

I spent most of my day talking to a good friend of mine about some of the things going on in his life. As we talked I reflected back on some of the hard times that I have been going though. Most of the time we walk through live and go from event to event rarely looking back on how those events link together to strengthen us.

Ive had a rough time in the job market lately. I have bounced from for-profit education to technical support. Not really understanding the lay-offs or the decisions along the way, but going with it. Last week I interviewed for a System Specialist at George Washington University. I could not have made it through the interview without having both skill sets. If I was purely technical I would have been lost on the scope of what they are trying to accomplish. With purely educational skills I would have come up lacking in the skill set the want to run the system. My for-profit experience gave them the management skills needed to work with some student workers. So my experience has given me parts that would help me in this position. Hopefully I was able to portray that to the interviewers last week!

That has gotten me doing a lot of thinking about my family. You never realize how good you have it with your family until others bring it up. I was talking to a friend of the family at the Jersey Shore last weekend and we were talking about my family. She was saying how God has certainly blessed us with a strong family. I've thought of it before, but hearing it from an outsider really brought it home.

As children, We spent every summer at the Jersey Shore. My Father's side of the family each had campsites there, and even the ones of us who didn't came down on the Holiday weekends of summer. So just imagine family reunions every Memorial Day, 4th of July, A week in August, and Labor Day. Add on weekends around Thanksgiving and Christmas at Nana and PopPop's house in NJ. Now take that and put it over my entire life.

My mom was saying how when someone asked my brother an I what our favorite memory form childhood was we both said "Summers at the Jersey Shore."

That campground could be anywhere, because we don't go to the beach all that much. It's more about Family then anything else. Sometimes I'm in awe of the family strength that God has built into us. Knowing from the beginning that we would need it to go through the trials of cancer, sickness and death we are going through now.

The friend I was talking to today said how laughter is good medicine. It reminded me of my family. I remember so many times where we just sat around the fire and laughed. My family is full of people that just love to laugh. Even through the hurt and pain, laughter is still present. I still laugh when I think of my Uncle Bill, who passed last summer, and his love of laughter. I remember him and I having this conversation one night by the fire at the shore where we were just talking about the word nephew, and how it sounds like "few". He said that he likes to see me more than that. So from that day on he called me his Nephmany. I never realized that it was an inside joke until I talked about it at his Memorial Service. Family members came up to me afterward and said they never knew about it.

God has definitely strengthened my Family. My cousin Shelly checks on me at least once a week to see how I'm doing and check on my Dad and Mom. She always seems to know when I'm at a low point and picks me up just by letting me know she understand what I'm going through.

God is Good! Next week is our Family Vacation. It will be so good to be with them hearing the laughter of old times. Though Satan will continue to try to get us down and break our spirit, God will continue to strengthen us to support each other. What an Awesome God we serve!

Proverbs 17:22
A joyful heart is good medicine,
But a broken spirit dries up the bones.

Lord,

Thank you once again for giving me such an great supportive family. I know that you know the beginning from the end. Thanks so much for helping to prepare us for the future. I pray that you are with my friend who is going through hard times. Guide him to where you want his life to go. Bless my friends and family. Comfort the ones of us that are hurting, and lift the trials next week so my family can rejoice in the strength you have given us.

I love you!

Brie!

What defines worship?

2008-07-27T12:51:00.004-04:00

When we worship, what is it that makes the experience?

When I was attending church yesterday, I had a significantly different worship experience than I have had at church before. All week long I had been looking forward to going to church for worship. It had driven my week. The want/need for my normality was brewing in my soul.

I wanted the praise. I wanted the fellowship. I wanted the deeply emotional prayers. I wanted the deeply moving sermon.

I received praise, but it was different from what I was wanting. The praise team was not what I was expecting.

I received fellowship, but it was different from what I was wanting. I was there with Justin, who is a good friend, but the friends I usually go to church with that were there happened to come for first service and were leaving.

I wanted the deeply emotional prayers, but they were different from what I was wanting. The feeling was not coming through to me. The emotion was not there.

I wanted the deeply moving sermon, but it was very different from my expectations. It was a good sermon.

It was interesting, because I still left church blessed. It reminds me of my childhood where I grew up in a church with a totally different worship style. I remember being bored in church many weeks. Occasionally I would come across a sermon that would speak to me, but many times I didn't.

Now I attend a church that I usually get a blessing every week, but this week was very different.
The videos for church this week went right along with my experience. There was one that really touched on one thing that is sticking with me.

Worship is not any of the things that I listed above.

I've never really though too much into how worship is such a personal thing. We all worship differently. I'm lucky in many ways to have found a church that has a very similar worship style to me.

It's amazing to me how different each of us has been made. None of us are totally a like. We all have parts of us that do not fit into any worship service.

I remember one time when my parents came to visit my church. It was a big weekend for us, I believe that it was the "Grand Opening" service of our new location. It was a very grand service. My Dad stated that it is not his type of service, but he though that if he was my age he'd probably find it more relevant to him.

I believe that such diversity is in God's plan. It is mean to bring us back to the personal. We as humans are always trying to find people that have similar belief structures, and yet there will always be differences to bring us back to relying on making our walk personal.

Lord,

Thank you for once again opening my eyes to worship. I pray that you continue to lead in my life. Please be with my family and friends in a special way this week. A lot of us are going though change in many aspects of our lives. I pray that you lead us to what you would want for our lives. I love you and praise you for bringing such strong and supportive people into my life.

I love you,

Brie!

And the road goes on...

2008-07-24T11:21:00.003-04:00

It's been a couple weeks since I have posted and one of my friends told me that I needed to get back on here. :-)

Today is a beautiful day. I really feel God working in my life. I have to say that even though I have had my ups and downs as far as life has gone, God has always been consistent.

My life at the current moment is full of many changes. In the past month I have had three friendships change.

D moved back to Michigan. She had been having a hard time making it here in Maryland, and though our group of friends was able to help her through some hard times, it was best for her to go to where she is comfortable and thriving. I really took her leaving hard. I was surprised at how hard it was for me. Even though we did not see each other on the regular, it was comforting to know that I would see her smile at church. I got to chat with her for a bit online this week and I was so happy to hear that things were really turning out for the best for her. I really do miss her a lot.

The second change was that C and I took a break from each other. Other than a occasional IM we have not really communicated for the last month. I feel this is best for the both of us at this point. I was unable to just be friends. I have the ability to turn off feelings most of the time, but I don't know why this time I couldn't. I always felt he was sending me mixed messages and it just got to the point where it was not going to work. Through it all I've realized that our relationship was probably holding him back in some ways from finding himself. Though he made great strides when we were together, I know that my part in helping him is for the most part is over. I miss seeing him. I miss our casual banter. I'm glad to have known him and hopefully someday we can hang out again as friends.

The final change has been the hardest. M finally moved to Hawaii. This just happened on Sunday. I really don't think that the impact from this has really even hit me yet. I find myself hesitating to move my stuff into his room. I'm not wanting to change things around the house. Hunter kept running to the door last night when he heard the outside door open. I know he misses him as well. It is weird to be in the condo alone at night. I cooked last night and put some aside for him without even thinking about it. It's strange how even though S and my other friends are here, I feel so lonely.

He's begun a Hawaii blog:
http://zenimages.blogspot.com/

I know that S and I are both going through this in different ways. It's interesting how we deal with things so differently. She is comforted more by talking with him on the phone. I feel good when I read from his blog or get a text. I keep reminding myself that this whole set of changes are going to be good. I can feel things ramping up toward great things.

I'm glad that God has given us the ability to reflect. I've been thinking a lot about the past. It's amazing how I remember the good times the most. M and I have had some adventures, snow in Sedona, crazy times in Montreal, late night watching snow fall in Philly, cruise seating with a librarian from NY and a guy from the midwest who could not cut steak. Life has been good, and these good times will be etched into my memory forever.

It's amazing how God knows our needs before we ever do. Some people God brings into our life for a day, others for a few months, others for a few years, and others for lifetime. God has definitely given me a friend for a lifetime with M.

As my road goes on and things continue to change, I know that He has a plan. God has showed His love through the kindness of my friends. He has helped me to see a glimpse of the love that He has for me. But the full knowledge of that Love I will not understand until I reach heaven, because God does not built friendships that only last days, months, or years. He builds a friendship that lasts for eternity.

Psalm 136:1 NIV

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good.
His love endures forever.

Dear Lord,

Life is hard right now, Lord. It's full of changes and struggles. I'm unsure of where you are leading, but I need your strength to keep taking each step. You've brought such wonderful examples of your Love into my life. I praise you for that. Keep leading me in your path. Be with my family and friends. Especially M as he adjusts to his new life. Be with those of us that he left behind, help us to adjust and grow in you. I'm in awe that through each stumble and fall that I make that you continually pick me up, clean me up, and place me one step closer to where you want me to be. Continue to guide us all in your light.

Brie!

Superiority?

2008-06-10T12:43:00.003-04:00

I was asking one of my friend about my blog over the last few days and as we got talking he brought up that he feels I have a superior overtone to my writing. As we got to talking he made it sound like the tone gives a feeling of talking down to others. It's interesting that he felt that way because my blog is first meant as a place for me to grow.

With that information I contacted C to make sure that he did not feel I was talking down to him in my previous post. I was relieved to find out that he didn't.

I was not trying to say anything negative about C. C has been nothing but a wonderful friend and boyfriend to me. We ended up taking a step back because he needed to. He has to do what he needs to in his walk. For a long time I did not understand what he was feeling. From my blog entry on Sunday, I feel like I understand C just a little better. This brought me to a new quandary in my life.

What is the "superior overtone" that my friend brought up?

I have to admit that I feel like the worst Christian at times because I feel that I am constantly searching and working with God to make my relationship stronger. Many times I feel so far away from God that I hurt and cry. Other times I resist giving up my problems to Him because then I can't take credit when things turn out fine.

The Christian walk is not an easy one, because it is so simple. Get it?

I was talking with a friend who spent a lot of time learning about Wicca. She said there are so many rules, beliefs and rituals that she really never felt able to have her own beliefs. It confined her.

Many Christian "religions" seem to have the same restrictions and rules. Many of the rules of religion really come back to living a God-Centered life. The trick is to spend time with God.

2 Corinthians 3:18 KJV

"But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord."

So the more that we spend time with God, the more we behold his glory, the more we see him work in our lives, the more we are changed into His image. When we are changed into God's image, we will keep the "rules" because we want to live a good life and spend more time with Him.

Now I admit, maybe the "superiority" thing comes into play because I don't always share where I am in my walk, but tend to just share what I have realized. I have to say that I am still and will always be working on my communication with God. I am quite hard on myself, because I feel like I should be farther in my walk than I am. But I also realize that I will never get there until well after I meet God in the second Advent. Then many things will become clear, but I will still have many things to learn. Beliefs that I held dear to my heart may be completely wrong and I'll have to learn the truth. Ideas that I did not quite understand will be explained to me. Things that happened in my life will finally make sense when God is able to tell me the reason behind it.

Someone once told me that I seem to struggle a lot in my blog. I did not know what to say at that time. Now I know how to reply. My struggle makes me stronger. It makes my relationship stronger. I'd be scared if my Christian walk was easy.

The Christian walk is not an easy one, because it is so simple.

Just accept God's Gift.

Lord,

I praise you for giving me another day of life. It's hard to get away by yourself and not have interaction with others. Please bless all of my friends and family. We are going through some really hard times right now, but we know that you are in control. Thank you so much for helping me grow. Thanks for being an active part of my life.

I love you,

Brie!

God So Loved

2008-06-08T19:08:00.006-04:00

I've been struggling over the last few weeks to figure a lot of things out in my head. Many of those things I have written about here before, but for the most part I have avoided blogging about my confusion over my relationship with C. C and I met at the end of last year and quickly became an item. I knew from the start that he had some issues with committing to a relationship, but things just happened and we seemed in my mind to pass that point.

Our relationship was never hard. We never fought. We never disagreed. We respect each other and grew together. Now, I know this sounds like a fairytale, but it is true. C and I just really understood each other.

Months later C's broke things off saying that he just wants to be friends. He felt like he needed to find himself before he can be in a relationship. He is unsure of what he wants.

Through many hours of talking I have figured out that he is apprehensive of getting into another relationship like the ones in his past. I have to say that I gave everything I could into the relationship. I made sure that I reflected the love that God gives me to C. Through our relationship, C has said that he has been blessed and has grown. God grew both of us through our relationship. We've talked before about my wanting to build a relationship around God, and he's said that he would be open to that. I've never found another man that was willing to do that. C has said many times that there is nothing more that I could have done, because he still is unsure.

Imagine the hurt that I have felt. So much for the sayings that love conquers all, and love will make a way. There are times where my heart aches because I care about him so much. The pain that I have felt is real, and yet I know that God has put me in his life for a specific purpose. That belief has made it very hard to cut ties and has made me make a firm decision. I've committed to being his friend.

C came with me to church for the first time last week. It was an incredible thing to see him there. He really seemed at ease, which was really nice to see. He was singing along. He really seemed to enjoy himself. I was so happy when I saw that he even came to the cross during prayer.

There has been no question in my mind that God has been working in C's life. Through many strange coincidences people from his past have been brought back into his life. I've also seen his happiness grow and his personal turmoil decrease. I'm not sure if he sees this or not, but I've tried to tell him how much he has grown.

I will continue to pray for C. I hope that God can keep working through me in his life. I don't know where God is taking him and I, but I know that God has higher goals than either of us can imagine.

My feeling of frustration about the relationship had me crying earlier today. I was being selfish with God. Asking when it is going to be my turn to meet a great someone, but God in his infinite wisdom turned it back on me asking me when I was going to give that same thing to Him. Imagine, here I am feeling sorry for myself, never thinking that God has done everything to secure my relationship with Him.

Like me, God made the relationship easy. All I have to do is accept it.

Like me, God's put everything into it. All I have to do is accept it.

Unlike me, God still waits for us.

Why do we fight things that are right there in our grasp? Why do we fight things that we know are going to turn out good? Why do we deceive ourselves, pretending to not know what we want? Why do we run from the stable relationship with God, yet accept alcohol, drugs, sex, money, greed and other unhealthy relationships into our lives without a thought?

What is so scary about stability? What is so scary about comfort? What is so scary about being taken care of? What is so scary about trusting?

Today C and I were talking about the hurt that I felt. One of the things that really hit home for me was when he said "If anything i will be the one to ultimately hurt when i realize what I let get away." Wow. Imagine being able to see that future for yourself and not being able to fully realize it. We're lucky that unlike man, God gives us many, many times to realize what he's given us. But the same statement holds true to our Christian walk. The longer we wait, the less chance we have of building a strong relationship. God gave it all. It's time for us to stop being selfish and give back.

John 3:16 NIV
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

Lord,

I pray that you be with C in a special way. I pray that he is able to discover the life you have for him. Be with my friends and Family. I praise you for the work you are doing in our lives. I love you.

Brie!

Trusting is so hard.

2008-06-02T16:20:00.002-04:00

Trust is such a hard thing to learn. Giving things over to God seems like it should be an easy task. I remember back to church as a child singing about casting all our cares on God. We learn that God will take care of us in church, at home.

And yet as we grow up we are taught to be responsible and to fend for ourselves. We are taught how to survive and how to succeed.

Life teaches us to be self-sufficient.

Today, I found out that I did not get the job that I really wanted to get. It's funny how I know that it is God's will and that He has something else(probably better) for me to do. I still have a hard time just giving it up and trusting.

Why is it that some things are so easy to do and others so hard? Why is it that control is one of the hardest things for us to give up?

I was thinking today of how hard it must be for someone with a mental disability to take medication. The Human brain works differently then common sense. Many times we realize what we are suppose to do and yet our brains tell us otherwise. Giving in and taking a medication to be normal, kind of feels like the same type of idea as giving up control and allowing God to take over. The problem is that giving up control is not common sense, but a learned behavior. It goes against what we have been taught. It goes against the World. But it is a behavior I have to learn.

How can I make it easier for myself to give my control up? Is there some step I can take to make it easier?

A very wise friend of mine pointed out that maybe this is God's way of getting me to work on trusting, so I can live the life that He wants me to have.

Wow.... I mean WOW!

Luke 18:17 (Message)

Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in.

As a child, I did not have an issue giving control over to God. It was a non-issue. I was used to relying on my parents to take care of me. I have to accept God's kingdom with the simplicity of a child.

So I have to unlearn what I have learned. I have to develop a new habit. A habit that may look strange from the worlds point of view. I have to form a new learned behavior.

It's not easy. I guess there is no easy way out. I have to rely on God to help me stay true to my decision.

Lord,

Take my job search and make it what you want it to be. Send the job my way that you know I should have and show me the steps to take to get there. Thank you for sending wise people into my life to help me through the hard times. Be with my friends and family. I love you,

Brie!

Am I Trusting God?

2008-06-01T22:20:00.004-04:00

The last month has been a growing experience for me. The upheaval of my life was very discouraging and troubling for me. I have to say that there were many times that I questioned God. Many times that I misunderstood what was going on with me.

My mother pointed out that in one of my previous posts that I stated that God took away my job. She wanted to ensure that I was not blaming God. I had never thought of it that way. It's amazing how people can see different things in the way we say things. I feel like I should have said that God allowed me to loose my job. God allowed a big wake up call to hit my life.

Today I was thinking about the whole situation. How have I grown through this experience? Have I learned to trust in God more? Have I leaned on him for support? Have I done it all on my own again?

Well in short it was God. I can take no credit for the changes in my life. I can only say that I went up the mountain and came back different. I did not change anything about myself, God did. He changed my focus. He changed my life.

Almost everything has worked out. I got my car back(Again). I've had some wonderful job interviews that have opened up new doors that could help me to grow in new ways. I've been able to take a step back and work on my friendship with C. I've gone back to church. I've been taking time to talk more with God. I've spent a lot of time with M that I would not have been able to before. I got to be in the hospital with my Mom when she had a procedure. I've even gotten to share my faith with three people that God brought into my life.

God has done wonders! Yet, I still find myself trying to take control. Can I solely trust in God? Can I trust in God to give me a job? Can I trust God to help me when M leaves? Can I trust God to guide my friendships and relationships? AM I TRUSTING GOD?

I realize that I have a lot to learn. God has done everything for me and yet I still want to be in control.

When I was driving to Baltimore, I heard about how many 25ish year olds were unable to make it in society today because they were protected from it by their parents giving them everything. They had really never had to fend for themselves. But since they did not have the experience of struggle they never really learned how to grow from it. Instead the just gave up and were moving back home.

How can we grow if never take chances? We can't. How can we grow if we don't learn to trust? We can't. How can we grow if we don't try? We can't. If we stay in the comfort of the nest we will never learn to fly. The bird that never leaves the nest, dies.

I seem to be able to take chances. I spend a lot of time trying, but I have a hard time trusting. I have to give it all up. I have to trust.

Matthew 6:25-34 NIV

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

God is going to take care of me. He's going to take care of my needs. He'll secure me that job. He'll help me with my friendships and relationships. He'll comfort me through my loneliness.

Lord,

Please help me to trust you more. It's hard to give it all up. To stop trying to do it on my own, but I realize that I can't do it. I need you to work things out the way you see is best. Be with my family and friends. I love you.

Brie!

Friendship

2008-05-22T09:05:00.003-04:00

It's funny how people come and go through your life without the blink of an eye. I've gone through numerous close friends that are now just a mere memory. But I've also seen many friends come and stay for a long time.

Today, I am thinking of my best friend. He's made a decision to move to Hawaii to pursue a new degree. I have to say that I'm ecstatic for him following his dreams, and yet I'm very scared for him and myself.

M is the yin to my yang. We are exact opposites both personality wise and as far as our birthdates are concerned. And yet we are bet friends.

We all know from magnets that opposites attract, and that has never been so clear as with M and I. We rarely fight or have a heated disagreement. We throw ideas at each other, knowing that the other has our best interest at heart. We are there to support each other through the rough times. We piss each other off at all the right times. He tells me what I don't want to hear. There are times when he can voice what is in my head without my needing to say it. He is my constant adviser and worst critic.

I am really not sure how my life is going to change with him 5,000 miles away. Will we loose touch? Will he still be there for me? Will he call me when he's hurting and lonely?

It is amazing how distance can change a friendship. As humans we are very much in tune to the out of sight, out of mind philosophy. I wonder how much M will be crossing my mind and vice versa.

He hates it when I say he is my little brother, but he is family to me. He is my brother.

Proverbs 17:17 NIV

17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

I love how the Message states it.

17 Friends love through all kinds of weather,
and families stick together in all kinds of trouble.

I will always love M.

God has given me a wonderful support network, and yet that is being changed now as well. I don't know where this year will take me, but I do know that God has a plan.

Lord,

Thank you for giving me a strong group of friends that are supportive of me. In this time of change, please be with M and I as things change. Help us to be able to come out of this situation better than we started. I love you Lord.

Brie!

What happened???

2008-05-19T12:42:00.005-04:00

I'm really not sure if I am ever going to actually post this entry.

During my time of walking away from God a lot of things happened, one of which was that I ended up in a relationship. It was very interesting because neither of us really decided to pursue a relationship, it just kind of happened. It ended when C decided it was not what he wanted at this time. Since the we have been working on our friendship, but it's very disjointed and confusing.

I'm actually glad that the relationship did not go any further, because now this and other aspects have forced me into a very reflective spot where I need to evaluate the why behind things. It also is a time where I need to make some decisions.

During my time at Annapolis Rock, I did some soul searching and realized that God was not part of my relationship. Brings back to mind that unequally yoked text. I mean we talked about it in the beginning, but I was unconsciously walking away from God and it made that part seem less important.

I found myself filling my life with things and this relationship was one of them. Now, I'm not saying that the relationship was bad, I'm saying that I was using it to fill the emptiness that was left when I did not have God in my heart.

It's amazing how quickly we try to fill that empty space in our hearts. We try so hard to fill it with money, possessions, relationships, food. Anything to make us feel better at that time.

A good friend of mine does so much work to fill that hole in their life. It seems that they are always filling it with the next thing. They get into one practice thinking that it will fill them up. When that practice fails after a few weeks it is off to discovering the next practice.

I've been filling it with work, relationship and friends. The one thing I know is that God always has the upper hand when it comes to my life. He quickly shook up my comfort, took away my job. Shook up my life, took away my relationship. He sent people in to give me the wake up call.

I'm waking up, slowly.

I need to remember that no job, no relationship, no friend can replace God. He gave everything for me, gave me everything, and yet I pushed him away.

God has a plan for my life. I need to let him drive and stop getting in the way. Then he can give me the job he wants me to have, give me the relationship that is built around Him, and give me the life he envisions for me.

It's not about what I want to do anymore, it's about what he wants me to do.

I SURRENDER ALL

All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In his presence daily live.

I surrender all, I surrender all;
All to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken,
Take me Jesus, take me now.

I surrender all, I surrender all;
All to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

Lord,

Be with me through these rough times. Help give me the strength to make the decisions that you want me to make. Be with my ex, my friends and my family. I give it all to you.

Brie!

What happens to us?

2008-05-19T10:37:00.002-04:00

Hey all,

I've been looking back over my life the last six months and I've been reminded of a lot of things that have happened in my life.

Six months ago, I was on a spiritual quest.

My life was crazy:
Dad was in the hospital with cancer.
I had no job.
Money was extremely tight.
Was on the edge of giving up my apartment.

God came through in the biggest way. Got Dad on a long road toward recovery, Gave me a job. Put me on top of the world in just a couple days.

It's amazing how God can change your down to up in seconds.

But then comfort kicked in. Quickly all the things I worried about were not as bad anymore. I did not consciously decide it, but I slowly walked away from God.

How is it that when things get good, we forget who gave them to us? We forget about the amazing things He has gotten us through. We forget how He picked us up from the rubble and made us safe.

I got a wake up call this past month.

Laid off from my job.
Car got stolen from in front of my apartment.
Gave up my Apartment. (Seems Logical!)
My relationship ended.

All this in about three weeks.

Yet through it God was whispering.

He sent word through my Dad, "You have not blogged for a while."
He sent word through Pastor Kumar, "Haven't see you at church for a bit. Everything okay?"
He sent word through Dad again, relating that his walk has been harder lately because he was not spending as much time with God.

So I'm back. Church has been great! You never realize how much you miss it until you go back.

Two weeks ago I took a day off for some alone time with God. I took my Bible and a journal and pen. I hiked to Annapolis rock and spent the night. Quiet time can be hard. If you've read my past entries you know I was having a hard time with 10 minutes and now I was gone indefinitely.

When I got away my mind was racing. I prayed God would help settle my mind and clear my thoughts.

During that time I came tomany conclusions about myself. One is that my comfort or success as the world sees it varies indirectly with my relationship with God. So the more comfortable I get (extra money, less bills) the less I look toward God.

Matthew 19:23-24 (New International Version)

23Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

It seems that the more comfortable we get the less we think we need God. Instead we indulge in the comforts of the world. I don't want my life to keep going down that path. I need a change.

Lord,

Help me to be the person that you want me to be. Help keep me on the path toward You. This world is full of distractions and roadblocks. Many are shiny and get my attention quickly. Help me to see through those distractions and help me to understand what I continuing to keep me back. I praise you for all the good you have brought into my life. Be with my family and friends.

I Love You,

Brie

Slap! Wake up! Here is what you need to work on!

2007-10-22T19:16:00.000-04:00

Hey all,

I'm still working on my ten minutes each day with God. Man when you give him that time he can really be brutal.

I remember one sabbath I was over at my Parent's church at the potluck dinner. One of the church members was going on and on about how God was pointing out her sins. She was feeling overwhelmed because every time she thought she was doing good she said it was like a slap across the face. God was telling her to wake up, open her eyes and see she is not done yet. She felt like she was beginning to get discourage because of all the sins that were coming up.

Why is it when we are working on our sins and become conscious of them that they become overwhelming? How is it that we were fine before we realized that this action may be keeping me back from Christ? How come the guilt is so much more when you consciously know you are sinning? Does God forgive the same? Is the sin worse now because we are more cognizant of it?

For the last week, I've been discouraging myself because every day I have to confess the same sin. When I'm in my prayer time I am fully sorry and intend not to do it again, but I am weak. I end up doing the same thing again.

How can we be so weak to things we know are wrong? Why is it that we can't just stop?

I'm realizing that my sin, my cherished sin, is bigger than me. I'm going to have to pull out all the stops to get past this one. The funny thing is that I've always viewed it as nothing and yet now I can't give it up.

So I'm claiming a promise!

Philippians 4:13 NKJV

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Lord,

Please give me the strength to give up my cherished sin. I know that You are the only one that can give me victory over this trial. I know that through you all things are possible.

Brie!

Family Time!

2007-10-12T22:51:00.001-04:00

Today was just an awesome day! As a result of the class I am taking on Tuesday nights, I called my family and asked everyone to go over to my parents house for dinner. What a nice time it was!

My family has been pretty preoccupied with my Dad's hospital visit and of course the cancer treatment, etc. It was so nice to just have a dinner where we can just get together and talk about nothing. Our conversation ranged from cable tv to my nephews school to corvettes to football games. I really have not gotten to just be with my family for a good while. God, thank you so much for putting the idea in my head.

This is why God gives us families! People that we can just spend time with, that are supportive of us, that are there for us!

Leaving my Parents house tonight was a little bit of a downer. But on the way home I reconnected with a good friend of mine that now lives in Georgia. She and I had this fabulous weekend in Hilton Head over last MLK Birthday weekend. The weather was perfect, the beach was beautiful, and above all the price was right! We got reminiscing about that weekend and decided to make plans for the repeat! So MLK weekend once again we will be chilling out in Hilton Head!

After all of that I got to settle down a little and have my ten minutes of silence. Tonight, I lit some candles, turned on some music, took some long breaths and relaxed. Ten minutes was a lot easier tonight. I think I went over! Hehe. I know God was here. I felt less distraction. I heard less noise. I felt more at peace. I'm glad that God gave me another day.

I'm singing:

I WILL ENTER HIS GATES
I will enter His gates with thanksgiving in my
Heart
I will enter His courts with praise
I will say this is the day that the Lord has made
I will rejoice for He has made me glad

He has made me glad
He has made me glad
I will rejoice for He has made me glad
He has made me glad
He has made me glad
I will rejoice for He has made me glad

Lord,

Thanks you for such an uplifting day. You have put a song in my heart, a smile on my face and peace in my heart. You're an awesome God! Thank you for giving such good people in my life and holding me tight as I learn to listen to you.

Brie!

Beating the block?

2007-10-11T23:34:00.000-04:00

Just as I am . . .

Tonight, I went to God once again just as I am. Freely gave God 10 minutes . . . 10 HARD minutes of silence. But God did not come the way I expected. Tonight, I did not feel the presence of God.

Instantly my mind went to try to fix the situation. What am I doing wrong? It the low music to loud? Am I not giving my all? What can I change?

I realize that I can't fix the situation. I can't control it. I can't do anything.

Maybe God was not invited. Maybe I was trying so hard to give God time that I forgot to give him the invitation to come. I thought of a song by Larry Karpenko(My Cousin!):

http://cdbaby.com/mp3lofi/karpenko-06.m3u

"I regret to inform You.
I forgot to invite You.
I forgot to include You.
Then You came to save me."

It's important that we open our hearts and invite God in. Once we invite him in we have to give up control. He was already there. He already came to save us. He was there even though I did not feel him. He was there even though I did not invite him.

Matthew 28:20b

Lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.

Those are the words of Jesus. He is always with us. He is always present. Even though He chose not to reveal His presence to me tonight, He was still there!

What an awesome God we serve.

Lord,

Thank you for being with me tonight, even though I did not really invite you. I need you to be more present in my life. I need you to take over and help me to more clearly hear your voice.

Brie!

Trying hard to listen....

2007-10-11T00:27:00.001-04:00

Tonight was a very interesting experience for me. I tried my second day of being quiet for 10 minutes and letting God speak. Once again, I started with joy. But tonight I really had a hard time staying focused.

My mind wandered innocently to nature and a park that I visited when I was a child. Then I started to plan going back to that park, which quickly turned into my going over my schedule for the week in my head.

It's interesting to me how quickly we can be distracted. I know I've blogged on distraction before, and yet I feel like I made a bit of a breakthrough tonight. It amazes me how much easier it is for me to listen to the distracting whispers in my ear, rather than the silent prayer I am suppose to be focusing on.

Is it easier for me to hear Satan's distractions over my own God's voice? Are God's whispers drowned out by the things around me? Am I able to hear them when I'm not silent?

When teaching about negative and positive words for the SAT, distraction comes up as a negative word. Can a distraction be positive? Can God use distraction with us?

I definitely felt the distraction from a negative standpoint tonight. I know I need to continue to focus because it is obvious to me that I can hear Satan's whispers and yet I have a hard time hearing God. Is it because of the noise around me? Or am I just not in tune with his voice?

I Kings 19:11-12

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

LORD,

Help me not to be so distracted by the winds, earthquakes and fires of this world, that I miss your gentle whisper. Please be with me and help me to grow as I spend more time with you.

Brie!

Can I really be silent?

2007-10-10T00:04:00.001-04:00

Tonight I went to the first class in a series offered at my church called "The Dicipline of Silence." I wanted o first take the class to strengthen my prayer life, and yet I still did not get around to registering. That all changed yesterday when as I referred the class to a friend, who has also having issues in his prayer life. We both were registered in a few minutes. I guess once again I'm being selfish by getting a friend to go so that I will attend.

The class was really a nice change from the norm. There were only 9 or so people, but the discussion and prayer time became very intense. It was obvious that God was working in the room.

Tonight we did what is called a Centering Prayer. Which was a very intense experience for me. I began thinking of a word to describe God. My word was Joy because of the positive things that I have seen God doing the last week in my life. i.e. My New Job!!!

From there after about two minutes of contemplation you basically go with your next feeling and change your word or phrase. I began to contemplate my parents and ended up with the phrase "Support Mom." After contemplating this for a few minutes I was asked to imagine a picture in my mind and I was brought back to family dinners when I was a kid. Which brought me back to Joy!

Now I have to say that emotions were rampant during this time. I felt very happy during the first part, then cried when I thought about supporting my Mom. Happiness returned in the end when thinking about my family.

In the end, I was amazed at a lot of the things that other people experienced as well. I have committed to ten minutes of silent prayer each day. It's going to be hard. I just completed my first ten and it seemed like an hour! I also know it will be worth it.

Psalms 40:1 NKJV
I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry.

Lord,

Thanks you for giving me the experience I had this evening. I know this is going to be a big change for me. Be with me and help me to grow in you. I will wait....

Brie!

Letting God Lead?

2007-09-28T21:07:00.001-04:00

I'm sure that my title gives my mindset all away. That question mark really changes things the phrase from one of certainty to one of doubt, but that is the dilemma that I am currently facing.

How do I change that question mark to an exclamation mark? What power do I need? What do I need to give up exactly? Can I ever stop doing it?

My Dad and I had a long conversation about this last night. When he had found out he had prostate cancer, he gave it over to God and claimed God's promises that he would be healed. Dad then went and changed his diet to a vegan, even took it a step further and kept his body on the alkaline side, because he learned that cancer can not grow in an alkaline environment. He began taking supplements, drinking carrot and celery juice. Anything to boost his immune system to fight the cancer.

Impressive eh?

Dad did all of that . . . . but Dad ended up in the hospital. Now, he has a tumor above his prostate. Cancer again, this time a new one that is one of the most aggressive cancers known. Extrapulmonary Small Cell Cancer. Dad was immediately set up for Chemotherapy and more tests to see if it has moved past his rectum.

How? What happened with all Dad has done? He's Vegan! He's been alkaline for a year! He has one of the closest relationships with God of anyone I know. How? How? How?

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8, 9

Dad shared that he realized in the hospital that he gave it over to God, but then did not let God lead. Dad began doing everything. He did not let God take the lead, instead Dad took over and did what he thought would heal himself. . . . neither are your ways my ways.

How many times do we say that we are giving it over to God, only to do what we want anyway? Do we ever really give over complete control?

I'm going through a dilemma of my own. I quit my job in the summer to get my teaching credentials back so that I could go and teach in the classroom again. It seemed like it was what I was being called to do. The plans just seemed to point in this direction and so I took the leap of faith. Yet months later, I am still without a job. I never thought I would be going into October and not have a teaching job.

God seems to have other plans for me. Though he has been very slow in letting me in on the big secret. I've been having a real hard time letting God lead. I've become very discouraged. Every interview I go on the people seem impressed by my credentials and yet nothing.

My safety net is gone. I'm not sure how I'm going to pay the bills next month. I'm really unsure of what my next step could be. Dad reminds me to "Trust in the Lord."

This has been hard! One of the hardest set of struggles I've even been through in my life. I have more questions than answers. I realize how weak my faith is and how strong my doubt.

Lord,

As I sit here tonight my head is filled with questions. Take away my burdens. Ease my pain. Break my shackles, so I can lift my hands for You to pick me up. Forgive me for coming up short. I have a long way to go, Lord. I'm weak and frail. Strengthen my faith. Guide my thoughts. Make your way mine. I give it all to You. Change my question mark to an exclamation mark, for only You can.

Brie!

At the hospital...

2007-09-22T12:14:00.001-04:00

As a child, I always thought of my Dad as invincible. Dad could do anything! He taught my brother and I how to backpack, ski, whitewater canoe, and camp. You name it and my Dad always was able to do it. He learned how to scuba dive in his late fifties.

His faith has become invincible as well. I have personally seen my Dad grow into a stronger Christian through his life. Dad is looked up to by members of his church. You can just tell by talking to him that he has a personal relationship with God.

The last month, Dad has had issues with constant diarrhea and constipation. Dad finally was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday to begin a series of tests. Dad is never sick. In fact, I can never remember him being in the hospital for my entire life. Three days and much crying later, we have found out that Dad has a tumor, right above his prostate, that is restricting his bowels.

Now for those of you who don't know, Dad already has terminal Prostate Cancer. There is a high likelihood that this tumor is Rectal cancer.

How can this happen? How can a man that is never sick end up with a tumor and cancer? Why do these things happen to such a good man? What are we going to do?

There are so many questions, and yet no answers.

Psalm 68:19
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.

Lord,

Take this burden from us. We know that you are in control. Dad is going into surgery right now. Be with the hands of the surgeon. I praise you for getting us through this far.

Brie!

Panic?!?

2007-07-24T14:04:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been struck by uncontrollable panic? It totally hit me today. I've been working on classes for recertification all summer and today was the final day of class. Now I know that everyone out there would be relieved and wonder why I would panic, but I now have nothing to do for the rest of the summer.

Things that are causing my panic:

No Job: I honestly thought that I would have a job by now. I took a leap of faith and quit my job to take these classes this summer. I assumed that I would be employed by now and yet I still have nothing.

Money: I have a set amount of money to make it through until I start getting paid again.

Boredom: Yes, I admit that I'm already bored. Have been for the last couple weeks. I'm used to having so much to do that I don't have time to do anything and now I have all the time in the world.

So, this is all new to me. I'm used to having everything under control and planned out.

When I look at the things and people around me and the real issues that people are going through I realize that I am overreacting, but my internal anxiety is real.

I once again am on my path, but don't have any clue what is around the next corner.

Again I have to work on my trust. Why do humans have such issues with trust? I know that Hunter and Loki trust that they will get their cat food refilled and litter box changed. They trust that even through I've forgotten in the past.

God's never let me down, why am I having issues trusting that He already has things figured out.

Matthew 6 (NIV)

³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Lord,

I know you already have my summer figured out, but I'm starting to worry and panic. Please comfort me and help me to know that you have it under control. Thank you for all the blessings that you have given me in my life.

Brie!

Cancer and Change.

2007-07-19T23:49:00.000-04:00

I've always been told that the major events of our lives sculpt us into the people that we are today. Well, the last few years I've been going through so many things that I feel sculpted raw.

I know it's been a long time since my last blog. You can thank Pastor Kumar for posting on my blog, which sent an email to me.

Since my last blog a lot has happened in my life. My Great Aunt Vera passed away just before Memorial day. I quit my job to go back to school to get recertified to teach in the fall.

The one thing though that has plagued me the most is that my Uncle Bill passed away on July 9th.

Now back to the sculpting. God gives us all people in our lives that help to bring us closer to Him. Many times our parents are the ones that help us learn right from wrong and show us the example of what it is like to be truly Christ-like. Well, I think I am overly fortunate to have the family that I do. I grew up in a very close-knit family that comprised of not only my Parents, but Grandparents and two sets of Aunts and Uncles that are all wonderful examples of Christ. I guess you can say that my family would be the "ideal" when it comes to seeing Christ through others.

Uncle Bill was always an inspiration to me. He was always a positive person, in fact I can not say one time where I ever saw him angry with someone or loose his temper. He was always in tune with God. I never knew him to judge me or others. Uncle Bill was always fun to be around and always had a joke to tell. Laughter was his trademark.

Just over two years ago, Uncle Bill was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. It had already spread throughout his body. He was given just a few weeks to live. I was fortunate enough to get to go see him the day after his diagnosis when our family had an anointing service for him. Uncle Bill was so doped up to prevent his pain that I barely recognized him. For anyone that has ever met him the one thing you always remember is his personality. I did not even see a glimpse of that. This was a very emotional day for me, but through it I came back to God. I realized that day that there is no other way of life that I want to have then to be a Christian. The next week I started back to church.

I praise God that He gave me two more years with my Uncle. He had his ups and downs, but in all I got to see his fun-loving side again. At Thanksgiving in 2005, I got the opportunity to tell Uncle Bill that his experience had brought me back to the Church. The amazing thing is that my going to church has brought a few of my friends back to church as well. Uncle Bill looked me in the eye and said "Then it has all been worth it!" He gave me one of his big bear hugs.

It is said that we won't understand why things happen to us until we get to heaven, but I'm glad that God gave me a glimpse into this one.

God's got the plan, I just have to trust Him.

Lord,

Thanks you for giving me such a positive example as my Uncle Bill. Help me to continue to grow in you. Be with my family and especially my Aunt Peach through this hard time. Wrap your comforting arms around her and comfort her.

Brie!

On the sea of change...

2007-05-11T20:46:00.000-04:00

The last few weeks have been really draining for me. Last weekend I was able to go up and see my Aunt Vera. It was really good to see her. She is thinner then she has ever been. I know cancer does that to a body. But with all of the signs that she was going the one thing that hit the hardest was that some of the "spunkiness" that she always had is gone.

The loss of that key factor to her personality really showed. When my Mom saw her she said the exact same thing. It's becomes really discouraging when a person is sick to the point where you miss the attributes that you've come to depend on. Friday night, I was able to help my Aunt Vera into bed. She gave me step by step directions on how to help her. When she woke up she insisted that I come and help her get out of bed. I got a glimpse of that spunky side of her again.

I was talking to my Mom today and she was telling me about Ms. Clarice who has always been one of the matriarchs of the church I grew up in. When we moved to Maryland, her family adopted us.

Well Ms. Clarice in her older age has been having major issues with her memory. Last time I was over there I really missed just talking to her because now it is hard to have a conversation because she forgets so much, but she always gives the best hugs!

These two ladies have been very influential in my life. They have shown me strong beliefs and values that I still hold to today. Now they might not agree with my wearing jeans to church, but they are glad that I'm there.

It was funny, Aunt Vera visited a church like mine near Riverside, California while she was out visiting my cousin Larry. She was going on and on about the clapping and the drums, once again bringing out her spunky side, but you could hear pride in her voice that her family were still going to church.

It's amazing that through the changes, God still gives us those glimpses to what we hold dear. In Aunt Vera, her spunky side. In Ms. Clarice, her hugs. Now those things are not the only things that these strong women will be remembered for, they are just things that have helped me get through. When things change what will it be that you are remembered for?

1 Corinthians 7:7 (New International Version)

"I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that."

Each of us has gifts that God has given us. If you do not know what your gift is there are many ways to find out. There are tests online that you can take, or just ask a good friend. Most of the time a good friend can see the gift in us that we can't.

Lord,
Thank you for giving me strong examples of you in my life. As times change, I want to thank you for still giving me glimpses of the past to comfort me. Please be with my family and friends as things get harder. Please keep your protecting hand over Aunt Vera and Ms. Clarice. Keep in charge of my life and keep bringing me back to you when I'm distracted.

Brie!

Just when you think thing are looking up!

2007-04-30T23:19:00.000-04:00

Do you ever get to that point where you begin to think things are looking up and then BAM! Life whacks you upside the head once again with a plank!

Well that would be how my weekend went. It was kind of strange how it happened because late Thursday night at around 11:00 I got a call from my Dad. Now there are two reasons why this was strange. First off my Dad and I have certain topics that he will call me about, most of the time it would be a computer issue or an upcoming trip. But neither of them seemed to be an 11:00 conversation for him because most of the time Dad goes upstairs and gets ready for bed at around 9, maybe 10. So a call from Dad at 11:00 set my heart to racing, my mind went into the process that it had to be bad news. Well he was calling to tell me that he got an email that had to do with the phone plan that we had changed on Monday. Whew!

So Friday night in the early evening I get a call from Mom. Not thinking anything about it this time Mom has the bad news. My great Aunt Vera is not doing well. Colon Cancer. Now I know that she has been having issues for years, but it kind of put a damper on my entire weekend. In fact, I have felt in a funk ever since.

Luckily this weekend I'm going up to see her and to spend some time with that side of my Family. The thing about my Aunt Vera is that she has always been the one that has gone out of her way to make sure I knew what the love of a grandmother felt like. My Grandmother, her older sister passed away just a month before I was born. Aunt Vera was always there for me to the point where she made sure I was well taken care of in Academy. When there were long times between home leaves she'd have me come over for the weekend, even through she lived right across the street. She has always shown me the love that I know my Grandmother would have shown me.

As I've though over this weekend, I remembered back to the good times when I was a kid and we spent summers at the shore. I remembered the years of her always being active and "spunky" as I always put it. My mom talked to her over the weekend and she said she still has that spunk in her voice. That made me smile!

No matter what Satan throws at us, he can't take away that "spunk!"

The group Casting Crowns has a song called "Praise you in the Storm"

The Chorus says:

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Lord,

Be with my family today as we rally around my Aunt Vera. Help us to be uplifting to her and to be able to show her Your love as she has shown us our entire lives. Please help her pain to be easy. You are in control of our lives.

Brie!

What happened?

2007-04-23T22:24:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had one of those days where things just seemed off? Just something was not right. But you really could not put your finger on what it was about it that made things off.

That's how the last few days have been for me. I just feel that something is not quite right.

How many times do we obsess over such feelings until we make things wrong. Many people do that with relationships and friendships. I know I have. We feel like something is wrong and we invent the senerio in our heads until it is wrong.

How can we buck this internal feeling of uncertainty? What fuels this fire of "somethings wrong" in our lives?

I'm really not sure what to do. I feel myself inventing a set of situations to protect myself from putting too much on the line. Is this really just a self-protection scam? So we make things explode to protect ourselves?

I remember as a child singing a simple song at church that says:

I cast all my cares upon you,
I lay all of my burdens down at your feet,
And anytime I don't know what to do,
I will cast all my cares upon you.

Lord,

I want you to take this situation as I lay it at your feet. I really don't know what the future will bring, but I know that you know and have a plan for me. Take this burden and work it out for me. Thank you in advance, Lord.

Brie!

Life Planning or Time Wasted!

2007-04-20T23:27:00.000-04:00

Hi all,

I know I've been gone for a while and my last blog post stated that I was going to get back on my bandwagon and start blogging. Once again the best laid plans failed as life hit me. Through the storm, God gave me a wonderful vacation that I got to spend an incredible time with my awesome roommate and another of my best friends. Now almost a week back into reality I find myself still distracting myself from my spiritual life.

Tonight, I'm at the beach on a spiritual retreat. So refocusing is the key right now. I've taking a few minutes to read through a little bit of the book of Proverbs because it always seems to get me thinking and has wonderful gems of knowledge.

I've been focusing a lot on looking into my future and trying to make plans for the fall. I've been thinking about going back into the classroom to put my masters degree to use. Everything seems to be pointing me into that direction to get more classroom experience under my belt before I try to pick up some college level teaching.

But there is something that seems to be in the way. I've done the research and found how to apply to the school systems and yet just last night I finally applied for the first county. I'm really not sure what the hold up has been. I've kind of felt at a stand still in most of my life.

So when I opened to Proverbs 16:1-3 (The Message)

Mortals make elaborate plans,
but GOD had the last word.

Humans are satisfied with whatever looks good,
GOD probes for what is good.

Put GOD in charge of your work,
then what you've planned will take place.

So has my planning been good or wasted? I guess that is in God's hands. I've come to far in my walk to take ten steps back to do things the way I used to do them. Taking whatever looked good and just went from thing to thing until I got tired.

The group Mary Mary have a song that says
"I just can't give up now!
Come too far from where I started from.
Nobody told me the road would be easy
and I don't believe He's brought me this far to leave me."

Lord,

Take my life and do with it what you want me to do. Open my eyes and show me what you want me to do with my future. Make that path bright with lights so that I can see that it is the path that you want me to take. I know the path may not be easy, but I know I can make it with your help. Bless my family and friends!

Brie!

Refocusing on the goal!

2007-03-30T19:09:00.000-04:00

Ok it's been almost a week since my last post. I know that atleast one person has wondered what was going on with me!

Bloggers block? Well it would take trying to blog for that one to happen.

Too Busy? Well I can't say that this week has been overly hectic, but it was busy.

Lost focus? Yeah I think this is the real one. This was one of the first weeks in a while where I did not have to run to do a lot of things for others. It was a time where I could just be. It's amazing how busy you can become when you have nothing really planned.

This was also the final week of my class, which I must say I am glad is over! My team in the last week has been anything but motivated and I ended up doing most of the major work myself on wednesday night.

So now that I've realized that my life has been out of focus, how do I refocus? Returning to things that are good for me, like blogging. Like taking the Sabbath off from school and reconnecting with friends. Asking God to help me to hear his voice on what I should do next.

Refocusing means giving up the distractions. Now I'm not talking about the ones that other people put in your life, I'm talking about the distractions we make in our own lives.

Today, I was driving back from Target and really wanted to stop and go shopping at Old Navy. Now I'm trying not to spend money on things I don't need, but did I distract myself? Of course!

Proverbs 4:23 The Message
Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts. Don't talk out of both sides of your mouth; avoid careless banter, white lies, and gossip. Keep your eyes straight ahead; ignore all sideshow distractions. Watch your step, and the road will stretch out smooth before you. Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust.

I'm refocusing and keeping my eyes straight ahead. Avoiding the distractions, especially the ones I put in front of me, is hard. But with God's help I can do it.

Lord,

Keep me from the distractions this life brings. I'm having a hard time keeping focused on what is important. Please open my eyes to see the important things in life.

Brie!

Seeing through the roses!

2007-03-24T23:38:00.000-04:00

When I was younger I used to hear people telling you always to stop and smell the roses. I've thought about this over the years. Is stopping to smell the roses a distraction?

Today started out to be a extremely miserable looking day. It was gray and gloomy, there was even fog in the air that made things even more misty. Church had all the lights on and but because of the tinted windows it made outside look even gloomier.

But there was Warmth! There was a fire, deep inside our hearts as we began to praise God in our sanctuary. The room was lit with the hearts and songs of our church members. Our Pastor gave an awesome, invigorating sermon.

Were the gray skies and gloominess a distraction? I took count of the second service and noticed that the number was a little down today. Did our members and guests decide not to come because of the weather? It's a shame that some people missed what God did at church today.

It's amazing the things the Devil does to keep us down and distracted. I brings people into our lives to bring us away from our goals. I know that one of my good friends is struggling with this one right now. When can you decide that a person is too much of a distraction? Can you decide to not focus on the distraction? How can you cut the distraction out of your life if that happens to be your friend?

We are all masters of distracting ourselves and others from what really matters. How do we know when we are being distracted. How can we keep ourselves in check?

Luke 10: 38-42 NIV

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

Mary chose what is better. She chose Jesus. Instead of giving into the distractions, she gave into Jesus. Instead of worrying about others, she focused on her relationship with her Lord.

If we continue to focus on God. We will be more able to discern the distractions. That is all we need!

Lord,

Help us to see through the distractions, help us to keep walking down the path with our focus. Keep us safe and in your care.

Brie!

Friends Forever?

2007-03-22T19:07:00.000-04:00

Ever have an old friend keep popping into your mind? I've had a couple instances over the last few weeks that have brought one to mind, once when I was at the hospital and ran into a mutual friend who asked me how he was doing, and the other was running into a guy that reminded me of another mutual friend.

It's really funny how things like that work. So tonight on my way home I called his old number, not even knowing if it was still his number because last I knew he had gone back to Africa. I was amazed that he answered. He said he had just been back about a month and that his trip had put him into a new and better frame of mind.

I know before he left he had run into many problems with being unemployed and other really rough times.

We talked for almost a half an hour making plans to catch up later this evening. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined reconnecting with him today. The really kewl thing was that I could feel his smile through the phone. I could feel him happiness and warmth. I realized that the time off for him had given him a new lease on his life.

The last time we talked he sounded so down that it make me sad. But today I could feel the smile on his face through the phone. He actually picked me up after being down and exhausted today.

It was awesome how quickly God brought this friend back into my life. How he knew exactly what I needed. How he instantaneously recreated the friendship.

God does the same types of things for all of us everyday. When someone unexpectedly smiles at you for no reason. When that car on the beltway lets you in when you have to change lanes. The person who offers to help you with your bags. The kid that held the door for you. All of these things are God working to make your day a little better.

Times are always going to be rough, but leave it to God to show you that bit of sunshine in your day. He is there to help us to get through.

Psalm 121:1-2 NIV

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

Lord,

Thank you for turning my day around. It's been such a blessing hearing from my friend again. I pray that you bless him with the happiness that you have brought to me. Be with all of my friends and family tonight. Give them each little glimpses of your love.

Brie!

To Share or Not To Share?

2007-03-18T22:52:00.000-04:00

Sharing your personal feelings is really hard and can really set you up for disaster.

A couple weeks back, I decided on a whim to share my blog with two people that have been really influential in my life. Both of them have been inspirations for me over and over again. God definitely has been working through these two guys for his kingdom. It's amazing how humble each of them are about it though.

Well, I know that both of them have been reading my blog bringing my overall readership to a number that I can still count on one hand. One of the people that I mentioned earlier is my Dad.

My Dad and I have our list of things that we talk about. Vacations, Backpacking/Camping, the Jersey Shore, Our Family, and anything I need done to my car. These have been the general topics that we always seem to talk about. Well, the last few times I've talked to my Dad he's brought up my Blog. In fact last night when we talked he was full of words of encouragement that really meant a lot to me.

It's amazing once again how God works in our lives. Don't get me wrong, my Dad and I have talked about religious things before, but with the addition of this blog he was able to support me in a new way. I never realized when I began this chapter of my walk that it could bring me closer to my father while bringing me closer to my Heavenly Father.

Proverbs 13:20 NIV
He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.

Proverbs 13:20 KJV

He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.

Guess that's what happens when you walk with the wise!

Lord,

Thank you for giving me such wise people in my life. I know that I would be far worse off without their shining guides. Help me to keep my eyes focused on you! Please continue to stretch out your healing hand to each of my friends and family. I praise you for all that you do!

Brie!

Deception, real or imagined?

2007-03-15T23:26:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been the receiver of deception. I'm sure that all of us can say yes!
How many times do we hold grudges against other people because they have deceived us?
Have you ever deceived yourself? Now stop and think about it honestly!

How many times have you not quite checked that box that puts you out of the normal category? Do we deceive ourselves to try to fit in? Do we put on ideas and try hard to convince others that we are correct to attempt to deceive ourselves?

I know that I have done the exact thing before. I've convinced myself that I needed to get someones approval adding all of the justifications I had come up with so that they can confirm my deception. But have I really deceived myself?

I have a friend that is just starting to get on the correct medications to help her to deal with everyday life. But I can see her taking the trail to deceive herself that she doesn't need it. I can hear her trying to get the approval of anyone by saying:

I don't need that medication, I'm perfectly fine with out it.

She is looking for that person to agree with her!

Another friend is starting down a road of destructive behavior that will most likely lead him to falling into addiction once again. Also looking for approval he states:

I'm back hanging with Mr. X.

He's looking for the same thing.

How is it that Satan can deceive us to the point where we deceive ourselves. Internal reasoning in humans is so flawed by sin. It's obvious that our brains were not made to constantly deal with deception. We so easily give in and let someone validate our incorrect thinking.

Genesis 3:1-6 NIV
Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?"

The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.' "

"You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.

Can you see Eve giving Adam the fruit. Was she trying to convince herself that everything was going to be alright by getting Adam to agree and eat the fruit? Has nothing changed over all this time.

The only thing that can help our feeble minds is Jesus. He is the only person that is able to discern our deceptions and dispel them. He can help us see through the cloudiness of our minds and see His will for us. I pray that Jesus clears the way for each of us.

Lord,

Thank you for always bringing out the light just when we need it. If there are any deceptions in my life that I need to deal with please enlighten my eyes to see them. I praise you for my Friends and Family. Thanks your for keeping us safe and bringing us through another week.

Brie!

Who can you trust?

2007-03-14T20:44:00.000-04:00

Have you ever felt like you can not trust anyone?

It seems like no one is exempt from being let down. A friend of mine has been having a hard time knowing who she can trust. The problem with this is that she is pushing everyone back instead of just focusing on the people who have let her down.

How often do we do the same things in life? How often do we just give up on everything? Work? Friendships? Relationships?

When you push people away and shut them out of your life, you take away any hope of them being able to come through for you. How can we shut out the ones we love?

There is another friend that is slowly becoming a fair weather friend. Now, for those of you who don't know what a fair weather friend is, that is when a friend is around in the good times, but is no where to be found when you need him. I feel he would come through if he had to, but he really does not seem to be genuine in showing his friendship at this point. When times are good, he's there. If he's requested to be there he will show, but he will not offer to be there.

How do you deal with friends like this? If you push them away is that wrong? Can you trust a friend like this? What would God do?

Psalms 37: 27-28 The Message

Turn your back on evil,
work for the good and don't quit.
God loves this kind of thing,
never turns away from his friends.

I love how it says God never turns away from his friends. This is where the answer is. I realize that I have to continue to love my friends. I have to accept when the shut me out and when they push back. I have to show compassion and love through the hard times. I can not be that fair weather friend.

It's a hard decision to make in some cases. It's hard to turn your back when evil has struck and left you wondering why your friend would do such a thing to you. But I'm gonna keep on working on me and not quit.

Pray for my friends and especially me!

Lord,

I do have a real hard time accepting my friends again when I have been shut out. I do have a tendency to forgive, but I make sure they hear about it along the way. Please help me to step back and accept them again, and do what you would do by just never turning away.

Brie!

Directions?

2007-03-09T23:07:00.000-05:00

Who has the directions?

I have an uncanny ability to never get lost. I get it from my Dad's side of the family. No matter where you take me it seems like I can always find my way. My nephew got the same ability, as a young boy he told my friend Debbie how to get somewhere at the campground where we spend part of the summer. Now my other nephew seems to have no idea where he is most of the time. He's probably get lost walking down a street with no turns. For people like him we have directions.

Most people need directions to get somewhere. Directions are suppose to help us find where we are going, except if they are outdated or wrong. There is nothing worse then having bad directions.

I'm sure through the history of the world bad directions have let to many disappointments. But the question remains, who has the directions.

Last week my roommate was going from her office in DC to Bethesda. She was saying that when she first printed out the directions it took her over into Virginia and up the GW Parkway to the beltway. Something like 26 minutes. It was suppose to be the shortest time route. but it was like miles longer. She reran the direction looking for the shortest distance route and it was 27 minutes. Most people would have taken the first route just trusting the directions.

A while back, I overheard a discussion at work over which website offered the best directions. I was really shocked that people had such strong opinions about something as simple as directions and where to get them from. Mapquest? Google? Yahoo?

One guy said that he prints out all three and studies each one to find the best route. How can you really know the best route to a place you have never been before.

Do we ever learn which directions to trust and which ones to assume are bad? How can we tell the difference?

God is the master at giving directions.

Jonah 1:1-3a
The word of the Lord came to Jonah son of Amittai: "Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me." But Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshish.

Then it takes a whole two chapters, three days and three nights in the belly of a "fish" for Jonah to finally come to his senses. Which is a lot considering that Jonah is only 4 chapters long!

Jonah 3:1-3a
Then the word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time: " Go to the great city of Nineveh and proclaim to it the message I give you." Jonah obeyed the word of the Lord and went to Nineveh.

Directions right from the Lord. Think Jonah's directions were clear enough? Imagine if we heard God as clearly as that. Do you think we would have run like Jonah did?

Well believe it or not we can have a walk with God like that. The more that prayer becomes a part of your life, the more that you work on that walk with Jesus, the more clear your directions will become.

The Devil will also be there to try to add to and change the directions to make them bad, to make us want to go to Tarshish instead. But if we seek God's will he can fix the directions and keep us focused on our goal.

The Christian walk was never promised to be easy, but it's a little better with directions you can trust!

Lord,

I pray that you are with us through this tough decision making time. Please guide each and every one of us to make the decisions that you would want for us to make. Help each of us to be patient with each other. I thank you for such a loving group of people who can come together as a family.

Brie!

Ups and Downs!

2007-03-07T21:48:00.000-05:00

For those of you who don't know it, I'm a basketball fan. I was watching the Wizards play the Atlanta Hawks tonight, and the game hit me to the point that I wanted to blog about it.

Now for those of you who read my blog on a normal basis you are probably really wondering where this one will go!

The Wizards walked into tonight's game on top of the world. They had just beat the Raptors last night 129-109. They had found out that three of the Hawks starters were out. I mean talk about the road being paved for victory.

They took an early lead being ahead by 11 points at one point in the first half. I'm sure at a half time they were still on top of the world. BUT, the third quarter brought disaster. The Hawks closed the Wizards lead and by the end of the quarter the Hawks had taken the lead in the game. The Wizards ended up loosing the game 100-97.

When did the whole thing go wrong? It seems like they at first were so sure of themselves that maybe they relaxed their guard. Maybe they let their heads get the best of them. Maybe they just underestimated their opponent.

How many times do we go through life and do the same thing. When our heads get the best of us, our hearts take a back seat. That promotion should have been mine! I should have been recognized for my work at church. How dare they not realize all I have done.

We so many times underestimate the hard work that Satan does. We forget that he is ready to get us down however he can.

When cancer hits a family, it hits hard. Many times the family has to pull together to help to get through. My family was hit especially hard these last few years. Just when you thought things were fine, BAM! Like the Wizards third quarter you are left looking at life wondering what happened.

How many times have you been blindsided by things?

I was talking to my Uncle once and he was saying how hard the Devil was working to get our family down. I figured the Devil must see our family as being strong to give us such trials. Again back to the text from a few night ago. I don't like to repeat texts, but here it goes.

James 1: 2-3 NIV
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

Such an inspiring text. Having joy though your trials. Job had it! Jesus had it! I can have it too!

So when things hit you the hardest. When you feel like you are almost down and out. When you feel that you reached the end of your rope. Reach to God. Claim your joy and build your faith!

Lord,

Thank you for helping to build my faith so much this last year. I know that this road is long and hard, but I'm trudging through taking one step at a time, with your help. Be with my family and "family" tomorrow. Keep us all safe and reaching for you!

Brie!

The Calm Before the Storm!

2007-03-06T22:07:00.000-05:00

Tonight, once again they are calling for snow tomorrow. The prediction of 2-4 inches of snow during the day tomorrow. Once again the weatherman predicts, once again we are unsure if they will be right, but everyone is talking about it.

Why is it that even though the weather is often incorrect we still hold it to be true? People walk around in stores, bars, Starbucks, hospitals, and work talking about the snow we are going to get tomorrow. How come after all the let down they still assume the weatherman is going to be right.

Look at the two major storms we have had this year, both predicted very wrong! The first one was suppose to be freezing rain and snow, we got three or more inches of sleet. The second one a bit of freezing rain or rain. Bam! Three inches of pure snow. Who's to say that tomorrows prediction will be right? Can we really trust it enough or do we just plan for the worst?

Soon my roommate will be returning with her sister in tow. Can I predict what will happen? Will this change make the household dynamic totally change? Is there going to be a storm? A tornado? or just a gentle rain?

Am I qualified to predict? What makes the weatherman qualified to predict? People used to predict the weather based on history. Now a lot of it is done using computer models that are suppose to make it more accurate. I remember teaching weather when I was a nature director at Camp. We had no real tools to predict with, but every morning we gave a weather report form our best guess. Do we often do this in life?

I can see the possibility of a storm in my future. But will thinking about it bring it to life? What is my possibility build on? History, well no we have not all lived together before so who knows what will happen. What else is there to build the prediction on?

The Bible makes a lot of predictions that are proven later in time. How did these people make these predictions? Did God inform them of what was going to happen? Many times the answer is yes!

Jesus is the greatest prediction in the Bible. Imagine the fact that when God predicts,there is no questioning. It's not based on history, but on fact! God knows the end from the beginning. God knows how much snow will fall tomorrow! God knows if my new home scenario will work out! God takes the question out of the prediction.

So where am I going with this? I'm going back to trust. I have to trust that God knows what is going to happen. It does not make my life better worrying about how much snow we are going to get. It also does not help my life to worry about my roommates. I just have to trust!

Out of anyone in the Bible, Job was one man that never could have predicted what happened to him. He lost everything in his life and yet Job still trusted. He imagined the worst case scenario here in this text.

JOB 13:15a

NIV
"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him;"
The Message
"Because even if he killed me, I'd keep on hoping."
KJV
"Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him:"

Imagine feeling completely hopeless. So far down the only prediction you can make is death. But Job still had trust. He still had hope! I can not predict tomorrow, but my God can!

Lord,

Protect me and my "family" tonight. We are getting ready to make some big changes in our living situation. Give us your protecting hand over our home. Help keep the thunder and lightning to a minimum. Help us to only hear the blessed pitter-pat of a quiet shower! Keep us focused on the sunshine that follows the storm!

Brie!

Life!

2007-03-05T22:26:00.000-05:00

Wow, how much can one thing change your life. I've never been to the hospital so many times in a one week period. I think the people there are beginning to recognize me.

This has also been a very powerful week for me as well. I'm not going to blog too much tonight, but I wanted to take some time in my exhausted state to remind myself that this prayer journey is here.

I had an incredible Friday night at church. We had miracle and healing night, talk about an uplifting experience. People gathering around to uplift you in your struggles in life. It was one of the most powerful nights of my life. We even took out time to pray for a good friend of mine who is struggling with reconciling his Christianity, but as my pastor said on sabbath it's about revising your map. It was an awesome sermon. http://lookingforachurch.org

James 1: 2-3 NIV
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

I'm guessing that through all the trials lately that I'm really developing some perseverance skills!!! OK tired and not thinking well tonight.

Lord,

Thank you so much for the ups and downs of the last week. The trials that you have brought me through and the joys and happiness that have occurred along the way. Keep me in your care.

Brie!

Pray for my Friend!

2007-02-28T23:12:00.000-05:00

I think I'm too exhausted to blog tonight. Of course, I need to take this time to clear my head and calm down from my day.

Today was very stressful because a good friend, part of my "family" tried to end her life today. She wanted to escape from the noises in her head. She wanted to escape from life.

How many times have we all wanted to escape? I've looked so many times at trying to leave where I am and move away to escape. And yet no matter where I escape to I'm still there!

There is no escape from life except to give it up! Now, I'm not talking about ending your life, but giving it up to God. God is the only one that can bring peace to make you feel as if you'd escaped.

I pray that God brings me that peace to sleep tonight because I have to work early in the morning.

Pray for my Friend!

Lord,

Be with my friend tonight, let he know that you love her so very much. Give her the escape from her termoil that only you can give. Give all of us a restful night. I praise you for bringing her through and being there for all of us. I love you!

Brie

Locks and Keys!

2007-02-26T19:12:00.000-05:00

Today I did something I never do...

I was so happy about being home. I pulled into my parking spot. Finished off my phone conversation with one of my friends. Gathered my stuff. Walked to my condo, just to realize I had no keys!!!! I was not only locked out of my car but my apartment as well.

I had moved my keys just far enough out of the ignition that the dinging would stop so that I could finish my conversation. Now my car has automatic locks that will not lock if the key is in the ignition, awesome feature, except when you had pulled the key out just enough to make the feature inactive. I'm sure there is an entire blog entry just wrapped up in that!!!

Today I'm focusing on the next part. I have a friend that has extra keys to my car, but I know he has plans tonight that will keep him from being in my general area until late tonight. My roommate, who would have keys to the apartment, said she will not be home until late as well. So there is really no way either option would have worked.

So I'm left with calling 411 and getting patched through to Pop-a-lock that says it's 45 minutes and $69. Imagine I did not even think about the money and just went with it. Of course an hour and 15 minutes later they were actually at my place and in about two seconds into my car.

I did not even blink when I signed the credit card slip, once I had my keys in hand. How much would have been too much at that point? I'm not sure.

With the keys to my life safely in my hand, my thoughts traveled to the keys to my heart. How much did Jesus pay for them? Was the price too high? I know that it wasn't! Did he blink an eye when they crucified him? Was his determination so strong that the tears that fell where from his happiness knowing what he had done for me?

The good thing is that Jesus has already done it. Unlike Pop-a-lock I'm not having to wait around for Jesus. He's already there. He's there when we lock the door ready for us to ask him to open it again. He waits for us.

John 3:16 KJV

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Lord,

I give you the keys to my heart. I praise you for always being right there ready to give yourself for me. Thank you for already forgiving me before I even sin. Thank you for paying the price for me so long ago.

Brie!

When are they right?

2007-02-25T23:57:00.000-05:00

It snowed once again. Even though the Weather Channel said a "wintery mix". I'm guessing 4-5 inches of snow. Do they ever get it right? Imagine what a thankless job, because people are always complaining that the weather was incorrect. Talk about a guessing game. I wonder how often they are just wrong???

Have you ever known someone who just always seems to be wrong? Maybe they always make the wrong choices or are the one that always is unemployed. They are the people that you think of when you hear the phrase, "If it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all!"

I often wonder how these people live. I have one of them in my "family" and no matter what happens he always seems to lose his job, say the wrong things, and tick people off. I can only take him in small doses. I've never met someone that is as extreme as him. We can as a group be having a conversation about a topic and he'll jump in with a comment that does not fit in the conversation. It really annoys me. Guess I have some more work to do to be Christ-like.

He reminds me of the story of Joseph and his brothers. They way that the Bible portrays Joseph he was liked by his father, but seems to me as one of those people who are like my friend.

I can imagine the conversation. His older brothers are talking, maybe about some girls or something and snap Joseph pipes in with "Speaking of that, I had this dream where...."

Genesis 37:5 The Message

Joseph had a dream. When he told it to his brothers, they hated him even more. He said, "Listen to this dream I had. We were all out in the field gathering bundles of wheat. All of a sudden my bundle stood straight up and your bundles circled around it and bowed down to mine."

I would have been annoyed as well. Now I can't say I hate my friend like Joseph's brothers did. But he was not one who thought out what he was about to say. I mean not only did he cut off our good conversation, but he told then about some strange dream where their bundles bowed to his. I can see why he was doomed!

Now I'm not saying I'd sell my friend or get rid of him, though the thought has crossed my mind. :-P That's not where this one is going.

I was thinking about how God used Joseph to save his family. Imagine being saved by that very person who gets on your very last nerve. I guess God can use anyone. So I need to work on being more Christ-like and letting God help me to be more accepting.

Lord,

Help me to be a mirror to reflect your love. I can't do it on my own, I need you to work through me and continue to make me more like you each day. Thank you for keeping my family safe in the storm. I praise you for your goodness to me!

Brie!

When do we give up?

2007-02-23T23:22:00.000-05:00

This week has been extremely hard at work. It's never surprising that corporate structures always have a way of working as inefficiently as possible. I've really never liked working for big companies because they seem so cold and heartless toward many people.

There comes a time where you always have decisions to make. It seems like work is heading for explosion. The right hand is definitely unsure what the left hand is doing, the real problem is that it feels like the hands are heading in different directions and my coworkers are the body in the middle getting pulled so hard that we are about to break.

One of the key figures in my staying at this job is currently looking at other options within the company. What do I do? Do I stay and just ride out the storm? When do you decide to vacate a sinking ship?

It reminds me of the story of Jonah. Where the ship is in turmoil on the sea with a storm that just seems to be following them. Could it be that I'm missing God's calling to be "thrown" overboard?

I've been doing an awesome job at work. I've always felt good about the quality of job that I am doing and yet lately I feel scrutiny from my bosses leading me to decide to document what I am doing to sort of save my own butt. I don't like being in situations where I do not feel secure, but maybe I'm just suppose to grow from this.

I know that I need to at least temporarily look this one in the face and just do my best. The hard part is to not complain when things seem to be going so wrong. Imagine, being Christ-like tells us not to complain or argue. How hard is that when things seem to be down. When bosses are only looking out for themselves? Do I argue when I'm given incorrect statistical information on my performance? How would Jesus handle a situation like that?

An example of what is expected of us is found in Philippians:

Philippians 2:14-15 (New International Version)

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.

Through my walk down this hard gully that I've been going through lately, I've found the more I give up and just do my part the less scratches I get along the way. Giving up conplaining is going to be really hard, especially with my coworkers. I realize that my being negative is not helping the situation. So I'm going to give it up. I'm going to focus on not complaining next week. I'm going to work my hardest to shine like a star. I'm going to let God worry about my job. He's got the plan!

Lord,

Take my work situation, it has really been bogging me down lately. Help me to complain less and work harder to do my very best. Help for the stress at the office to become less so that my coworkers can deal as well.

Thank you,

Brie!

Searching...

2007-02-22T21:19:00.000-05:00

This adventure that I have started down since beginning my prayer blog has been very interesting. I can say that I am at the beginning spot of really communicating more with the Lord. I feel like I'm at the beginning because I feel that I have so far to go.

It's hard to put into words the feeling I get now that I am seeking the Lord and his will for my life. Of course i have my down times where things just don't seem to be going anywhere, but other times I just sit back in awe as God works in my life. I've been surprised how much God has put a desire in my heart to learn more about Him!

I feel myself drawn to blogging and letting my mind go and think about what God has done for me. This is a new revelation to me because in the past I've felt myself trying to seek and yet now I almost feel like God is doing the seeking for me.

I'm here presenting my whole heart and self to Him and he is igniting the fire within me to learn more about Him. That fire is burning so much that I can not seem to concentrate on other things in my life. So time will tell.

I read the following tonight:
Deuteronomy 4:29

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.

Amazing how it states you WILL find him! Not may, not might, not sometime. But I WILL FIND HIM. I'm so happy to have an awesome God!

Lord,

Thank you for making yourself real in my life and igniting that fire to learn more about you deep in my soul. Please keep me seeking with all of my heart and soul. Thank you

What is Family?

2007-02-21T20:23:00.000-05:00

I'm reading a book that got me thinking about family. There was a discussion in the book about Celebrating Family, but what is family?

I started by taking the advice of a friend and googling the biblical definition family and after wading through the junk I found a page that really got me thinging even more. It brought out the fact that in the Bible, family changed many time from old to new testament.

Family has been a concept that has changed in my mind through the years as well. When I was younger I was always around my family. I was lucky to have a very close knit family that spent a lot of time together. Grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings.

As I've grown I remain lucky to still be in touch with my family, but I've also formed another type of family in the very close friendships that I have built. This has become another type of family to me as well. They are my everyday family that I rely on when times get rough, and rejoice with when times are good!

Who is the person or people who define family? Is the single father and his son? How about just the single person? Is the lesbian couple and children considered a family? How about a group of people not related by blood? What makes a family?

The Bible goes on the describe the church as a family. I remember in my parents church the adults used to call everyone brother or sister. We talk about God as the Father. Who is our mother? Is God a single Father as well?

Family seems to me to be an ever changing definition. One that has changed many times since the Garden of Eden. One that will continue to change, or should I say evolve through time.

Ruth 1:15-17 The Message

15 Naomi said, "Look, your sister-in-law is going back home to live with her own people and gods; go with her."
16-17 But Ruth said, "Don't force me to leave you; don't make me go home. Where you go, I go; and where you live, I'll live. Your people are my people, your God is my god; where you die, I'll die, and that's where I'll be buried, so help me God—not even death itself is going to come between us!"

Imagine Ruth sticking with her mother-in-law even after her husband dies. God gave Naomi the family that she needed to continue to survive. Would God do any less for us?

I praise God for my Family and my "Family".

Lord,

Thank you, thank you, thank you! You know my needs way before I've even begun to think about them. You support me in ways I can not even imagine. I praise you for your constant love!

Birthdays and Loneliness

2007-02-19T00:24:00.000-05:00

Ah.. once again another year older. I've never been one that fears or gets upset over birthdays. I guess that is just part of my nature. So on with the rest of my babbling!

What is the difference between being lonely and being alone? Tonight, driving along down the interstate the thought occurred to me that I was lonely. I've been surrounded by my family and friends for the entire weekend and yet I'm lonely. How is it possible for one to be around people, though not just people around people that they truly care about and still be lonely. Is there no real correlation between alone and lonely.

Where does this feeling on loneliness stem from? Is it caused by uneasiness in my heart? Is it caused by my not feeling secure? Is it a good thing? Is it a bad thing?

I can't say that I've felt lonely lately before the last week. But in this time period I've come to a point where I see in myself the loneliness creeping in. What can I do? Where can I turn?

I know that God uses these negative feelings to help us become stronger, and yet I know I can;t see where this one is going. I need advice. I need guidance. I need a clearer picture.

I'm walking once again by my creek, I'm feeling lonely taking each step. I'm not understanding my inner turmoil, and I can't expect others to understand it either.

I'm going around a curve and it's so dark I can't see anything ahead. I can feel the mist of the water near my feet. The current of the creek is swift, rushing, not babbling like it usually does.
I take a few more steps on the slick rocks. Stepping, lonely, but not alone.

Lord,

Please take this feeling of loneliness and do with it what you desire. Use it to make me stronger in you. Help me to see where it is going or give me the faith I need to trust through my blind stumbles.

When do we stop?

2007-02-16T22:21:00.000-05:00

This week was really hard. It seemed like every time things were beginning to settle down, the just keep getting worse.

Have you ever felt like you are trapped in traffic in the fast lane and have no choice but to drive at speeds outside of your comfort zone.

Well maybe not the best example. I guess I really don't have to give a real example for this because it is part of all of our lives. All this running and crazyness(literal) seems to make us more and more anxious and unable to settle down.

The snow storm did not help the week. It actually caused some more headaches.

1. I'm essential personnel. Therefore no matter what happens(Snow) I have to get to work. It took and hour and 15 minutes to go the less than 20 miles to work.

2. Our house was inhabited by and unexpected guest all week. It is essentially my fault, becuase I invited the guest to stay Monday and Tuesday, but not through friday.

Last night I just got to the point of no return. I really needed out of the situation. I needed time to myself. I needed to relax.

Thanks to my friends the guest has vacated as of this morning. I was able to take the day off and chill. I did NOTHING today. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

I'm really happy because the day off today will make it so I can enjoy the Sabbath tomorrow. I don't think I could have been myself at church tomorrow without the day to unwind today.

I actually had some plans today but everything fell through. It's funny that usually I would have been upset that my plans were cancelled, but I'm not. I guess once again God planned out today so that I could relax and become less stressed. What can I say, God is good!

It makes me thing about the following text taking from the first part of:

Psalm 46:10

Be still, and know that I am God

One of the pastors at our church used this text last week in her sermon. She also used the same text from The Message:

Step out of the traffic! Take a long,
loving look at me, your High God

Wow, did I need that this week. Stepping out of the traffic of my week was not on my mind as I began the week, but God know what I needed. God placed the actions in place so that I would be able to step out.

It's amazing that when I allowed God to begin to open your eyes, there became no question how much He loves me!

I need to step out and be still more often.

Lord,

Thank you so much for giving me this time with you, I have already come to enjoy and look forward to it. Renew my life and bring me that deeper understanding of you that I desire.

Love and Life

2007-02-14T22:47:00.000-05:00

Love is such an easy subject to talk about. When you turn on the radio, how many songs are about love? Movies? Television? We are surrounded by it.

Especially around Valentines Day. Red hearts, Roses, Chocolate.

Yet that same love can bring a lot of hurt. Why are we so obsessed with love?

Driving back from a Valentines day dinner with a couple of my best friends, I was listening to the radio. They were talking about Love, AGAIN! Even on the Christian station! I really wanted to turn the station, but the caller had an interesting perspective.

She had been hurt so many times, searching and searching for love. God gave her an answer, but not in the form she thought. She and a group of 8 women had turned themselves into a support for each other. They were holding each other up though the hard times. She stated that through the support of this group she's given her persuit of "love" over to God. She now stated that she was genuinely happy single. WOW!

I've heard over and over that we don't know the reasons behind God's plan. Does he want me to be single? Is God going to give me that love?

As I though more about what the woman had said on the radio, I was brought to the spot where I realized that I'm not alone. I had three awesome, single friends that went out together and supported each other on one of the hardest nights of the year for single people. Isn't that great!

So I'm not sure why at this point I am single. I'm not sure of God's plan. I just know that God has given me the support system to survive. How often are we blind to such things? Do we not see them because our focus is elsewhere?

My Pastor said in a sermon one week that as humans we are made to be in relationships. Most people shut down their thinking there, focusing solely on a committed love realtionship. But here is where my Pastor steps out from the ordinary and points out the many different types of relationships. His comment about types of relationships hit home, but not at that moment in church. His comments went right into my head that day, but I was like those others that were focused on "love".

His comments hit home for me tonight. Maybe, just maybe, God wants something different for me. I've never thought of that before. Maybe my relationships are going to be different.

I'm still trudging down my non-path. The snow from yesterday has made the way rather slippery. I've fallen a couple times just today, my mind tells me to just sit and wait for the snow to melt, but God's hand has picked me up, dried my tears and brushed the snow off of me. He's taken a few steps for me to get me a little further through the hard parts before he sets me down again. I can feel him just behind me waiting to catch me if I fall again.

He's always been right there ready to help me. Even in ways I didn't even realize.

I just have to open my eyes and see!

Here is one of my favorite passages from Proverbs 3: 5-6

5Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

I'm letting him direct this path.

Lord,

Tonight I want you to keep directing my path. The way is rough right now, but I know there is a clearing coming up soon. Help me to keep trusting!

Pure as snow, or is it just a cover up?

2007-02-13T22:29:00.000-05:00

Snow is such an interesting thing. It can cover all the uglyness of the world in just a few minutes and yet it is still there. Snow is actually one of the greatest deceivers.

When I was born I was pure, right? OR was I already flawed?

We are born into sin...born with these flaws. We can work so hard to overcome some "dirty" parts and yet we can never become pure.

I was talking to a friend once that said he had been snowed. I'd never heard the phrase before but I guess it was a phrase of his childhood because it rollled off his tongue so easily. He had been victum of a great deception by another person. My friend has trusted this person only to find out that this person had covered things up.

I contemplated the concept of being snowed. How much snow does it take to cover up a sin? Can all the snow in Buffalo really cover it up?

I see groups of christians shaking their heads agreeing with me and knowing exactly what I'm going to say next.

But since this is my wooded path I'm going to skip that "blood" line and move on.

We use the analogy of blood so much. Washed in the Blood. Cleansed by the Blood.

Jesus does cleanse us with his blood, but the key is afterward. Once we accept we are pure. No final judgement, Jesus already did that. No more scars, Jesus did that too! We know we will make it out alive. Now I'll still get these scrapes from the thorns along the way and I might stumble, break a leg (Pastor Newman) or worse. But in the end I'm still pure.

This is from one of my Mom's favorite Hymns from Psalms 51:7.

Whiter Than Snow

Lord Jesus, I long to be perfectly whole;
I want Thee forever to live in my soul.
Break down every idol, cast out every foe;
Now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Refrain
Whiter than snow, yes, whiter than snow.
Now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

I love that phrase. Whiter than snow!
God's plan is for us to be whiter. It's not just a cover up. It's more.

Lord,

Be with me tonight and tomorrow. As the storm rages outside bring peace to my heart.
Wash me and cleanse me. Make me whiter than snow!

In The Beginning... was Faith

2007-02-12T23:32:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure where it went... is what I've caught myself thinking, over an over again. I know this describes so many different things in life.

I'm not sure where time went! I'm once again turning another year older this next weekend and I think where did the time go?

I'm not sure where my innocence went! I look at things in my life and I think how did I get so far into this!

I'm not sure where my day went! Running from place to place and yet I'm back in bed preparing for tomorrow.

I'm not sure where the pizza went! Well that I can tell you!

I'm not sure where my faith went! Good question.

Matthew 18:3-4
Verse 3 And He said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
Verse 4 Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Imagine having that child-like faith again. I never doubted that I was good enough to go to heaven because I knew I was going. Where does that doubt come from? That doubt that seems to so easily keep our faith down. That doubt that keeps us questioning am I good enough? That doubt that keeps us trying to do it all on our own! I can't do it!

Here I am stumbling through my non-path. Even though it is along the brook it still is not a clear path. I keep looking ahead to try and see if it gets any easier, but can't see around the bend. So I keep climbing along through the branches and thorns. I'm giving to you, Lord. I'm giving over to the kid in me, and beginning to look forward to the next adventure.

Lord,

Take my pride, my doubt, my stubbornness and my need for control!

Replace them with your faith, because I can't do it anymore.

Starting Again

2007-02-11T23:21:00.000-05:00

Blogs come and blogs go...

I read once in a blog that blogging just to blog is not what blogging is about. So instead I'm going to start a new blog to get deeper into me. I'm making God in charge of this blog and the time I spend here will be my time with Him. If you don't like that click on that next blog arrow in the top right hand corner and go somewhere!

Tonight as I sit here contemplating life I feel apprehensive about the next turn my life will take. I'm finding it very hard to communicate with God because I feel I have shut Him out so much. I want God to be closer and yet I feel the urge to want to stay in control. I know I can't have it both ways and yet I tend to let God go instead of letting go.

Do I subconsiously want God to change for me? I mean I always have to be in control of things, make sure things go off without a hitch. Controling life, school work. EVERYTHING! What do I want? Am I really wanting God to take my everything? Am I that trusting today?

I'm walking down my non-path right now. I feel the scrapes of the thorn bushes on my side, stumbling over the rocks in the creekbed. So many things are in my way, and yet a trudge forward. Not really sure where I am going right now. I'm still not trusting because I can still see I'm walking along that babbling stream. So there are no steps of faith, no give up of control, no letting go.

Where am I going?